Happiness Series: 16 - Happiness Exercise 6: What Didn't You Include?

Do You Want To Abandon Your Life And Start Over?

Do you look around and just feel overwhelmed by all your stuff and responsibilities and commitment and just want to abandon it all and go on holiday or even buy a van, change your name and never look back?

Do you ever look at some of the things that surround you and feel guilty and overwhelmed? Do you feel like that about the things you do with your time? Like you don’t want to examine them too closely, because thinking about it feels bad?

You’re not supposed to feel like that. You’re not supposed to want a holiday from your life. Avoiding most aspects of your life because they hurt to think about is not healthy and it shouldn’t be normal.

It doesn’t have to be normal.


What Don’t You Want?

Now you’ve done a few exercises examining all the wonderful things you do want in your life, it should be clearer to you what doesn’t fit. What you no longer need or have time for.

Now is the time to clean out your closet of all the bad decisions and dead fashions that aren’t you anymore (and limit what you bring back in! Clothes waste is a massive issue.), clean out the gadgets and appliances that don’t work or that you never use, either take all the clean laundry off the exercise equipment and move it somewhere you will use it, or sell it. All that junk in your garage you haven’t been able to get to, let alone use in three years? Do you even know what it is? Can it really be that important? Read ‘The Magic Art of Tidying Up’ by Marie Kondo and purge all of that useless shit.

What about the time wasters? The websites and apps you would prefer not to go on, but always end up at? Delete them. Use browsers apps to block or limit them. You can set up blockers so you can only access facebook or twitter for a set amount of time each day. Do it. Free yourself.

What about the people? Who have you decided to take a break from? Who stresses you out? Regardless of how much you love them, who would you be happier without?

What about those niggling things you’ve been meaning to do that just sit around unfinished. They’re not negative, exactly, they’re not hurting you, but when you remember them, they give you a negative feeling. Frustration, guilt, etc. Maybe some things you have been meaning to donate or sell? Little household repairs and chores that have been waiting for months? The random detritus that slips between the cracks of day to day life?

What about the bad things that are a part of good things? Like, maybe you love your job, but you wish you had a shorter commute? Maybe you love the suburb you live in, but wish you had a garden instead of just a balcony.

What tasks do you wish you could outsource? What tasks do you wish you could find a more efficient way of getting done?

What about things in YOU you don’t want? Mental and physical health issues? Feelings, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, negative thought patterns, bad habits, etc. Do you want to be less angry? Snap at the kids less? Get fitter? Do something about your dry skin? Get rid of your boring haircut? Stop feeling like you have no idea what you’re doing when putting on make up? Stop procrastinating? Let go of those off-putting thoughts that stop you finishing your novel?

Now you’ve had some time to think about it, its time to make a list.


Exercise: The Do Not Want Pile:

Open up a word document (or Scrivener, or whatever you prefer, but its better to do this computer than on paper) and start writing a list. List all the things that are currently in your life that you don’t want.

You might want to break it into categories:

- Self/Personal/Internal
- Objects/Things/Possessions
- Tasks/Responsibilities
- Unfinished Jobs/Repairs
- People
- Time Wasters
- Miscellaneous

Under those headings, put in every single thing you can think of. Everything you would wish away, if there were no consequences. Everything you could fix, heal, mend, remove, cleanse and complete.

Once you have listed every single thing there is that makes your life hard, unpleasant or difficult, you are going to go through and look at each item. You are going to come up with a question that will help you come up with a strategy to fix this problem once and for all.

Some things will be easy. Lets say you have a huge collection of clothes you don’t want, or that don’t fit you anymore. Your question might be: “How can I get rid of all these unwanted clothes?”

The answer is probably pretty straight forward. You sort out the ones you don’t want, then sell or donate them. You could probably do it all in a single afternoon.

Sometimes, you might have to get creative. Maybe you hate your commute and you think: ‘I can’t do anything about that, I love my job, I can’t quit.’

However you could move house if you are renting. You could stay with the same company, but move to a closer branch, you could find a way you can work some days from home, you could car pool with others, so at least you aren’t always the one driving, you could catch public transport, so you can read, write or play video games during the commute. You could start using the time you commute by listening to audio books or using dictation to write a novel, and that alone might turn it from something you hate into something you look forward to.

The right question can make a world of difference to the answer, and thus, the solution. Get creative, go through you list. If you can’t find an answer that solves or at least improves the problem, ASK A DIFFERENT QUESTION. Keep asking questions until you find the right question. The right question will give you the right answer.

When you have gone through the entire list, and you have questions and solutions or improvements to every single problem, you come to the third part of the exercise.

You need to plan how you are going to start to IMPLEMENT all those great ideas.

Hopefully some of them (like clothes sorting and small home repairs) you can implement very quickly and easily. You might want to aim to do one a day, for a few weeks, until all the easy stuff is done. It will give you a great sense of achievement and make a huge difference in your day to day living.

Some things might be huge and require months of work and planning, but they will be worth it in the long run: moving house, for example. Or finding a new job. Or any other big life changing changes that will have a huge impact on your long term health and happiness.

Many things will require sustained effort to have their desired benefits. EG: new exercise or eating plans, changes to behavior and personal development. That’s okay. Small steps every day will add up over the long term and you will be so happy you started taking those steps toward the life you want.

However you can’t make those changes without a plan. You wouldn’t just buy a block of land and start building, would you? No, you’d design the house first! Get council approval. Buy all the supplies you needed. Get insurance.

The more you prepared and set up plans to deal with problems, the less likely you are to fail. So plan. Organize. Then have a wonderful life.


Moving Forward

Next week is the final post in this series! I really hope it has made some small difference to your life. I have loved writing it. Its very long though, so I am also excited to finish it and move on to new topics!

So tune in next week for our summaries and goodbyes to the Happiness Series.


Jake, In Summary:

This making a list of things that make me unhappy and making solutions has been something I have done for years. I call it the ‘Things Stressing Jake List’ and I like to check in on it once a month or so. I delete the things I have fixed, and I add new problems as the arise or as I become aware of them.

For me, one of the really therapeutic parts is knowing ALL my problems are written down, and there are solutions ready. I don’t have to keep thinking about them, the computer will remember them for me.

This lets me focus on one thing at a time, and greatly improves my quality of life.

I hope it does the same for you, let me know. I’m always happy to hear from you!

Happiness Series: 15 - Happiness Exercise 5: Your Perfect Week

The Perfect Week

These exercises can be a bit of a double edged sword. I love them, and they help me a lot. However there is a way to do them very badly. We all know comparison is the key to unhappiness, so when you do these exercises, you have to prime yourself to focus on the right things.

If you find yourself comparing what you want, to what you have, and feeling a sense of despair, then you’re hurting yourself, not helping yourself.

However the first time I did this exercise, I realized a lot of the things I wanted to be doing, I could already do. Things like gardening more, learning an instrument and doing more art. They were things I kept putting off until ‘everything else in my life was under control’. But there was no reason to put them off, and honestly, my idea of ‘under control’ is usually me working more and more.

So remember, the goal of these exercises is not to compare what you want to what you have and feel bad. Its to look at all the ways you can make what you already have a bit more like what you want.


Your Perfect Working Day

When I first heard about this exercise, the instructions were to imagine that money wasn’t a factor, but you still had to work. You were to design your house and workspaces, as if you had unlimited funds. And you could pick any career you wanted.

There are two glaring problems with this. Firstly, what you want may be so far from what you have, it could be depressing. And secondly, you might imagine a career you don’t have is fantastic, while if you actually tried it, you might hate it.

I’m going to let you decide how big you want to dream. Its really not about the size of the dream, or how different it is. Its about the details and the things you want, and how you can bring those into your current life without winning the lottery.

Lets imagine, very quickly, that you say your perfect working day is working on a luxury yacht, that you own, surrounded by models. How could you bring that into your life? You could start taking your laptop to the wharf, to be around the ocean and the boats. And you could take lessons to drive a boat. However you might find you hate the sun, hate the sounds of seagulls, hate the smell of brine and get seasick when you try and drive a boat. What about the models? Well, quite frankly, I’ve never found anyone who wants to be surrounded by models who really understands what its like to be surrounded by 10 bored, hungry young women all day.

So if you don’t really want to be on a yacht surrounded by models, what did you want? Probably to feel rich and adored. You’re more likely to feel rich and adored if you 1) work out your finances and set up a fantastic system of savings and investments and 2) work on cultivating stronger friendships and relationship skills.

So, with all that in mind, on to the exercise.

I want you to write out your perfect working day. From the instant you open your eyes in the morning, to the instant you close them in the evening. What sort of work are you doing? What are the nitty-gritty details of that kind of work? What sort of breakfast do you eat? Lunch? Dinner? What is your recreation time like? What is your workspace like? What is your house like? What are your interactions with family and friends like? Who do you interact with as part of your work? What are those interactions like? Do you work alone or in a team? What is your boss like? Do you even have a boss? What is your commute like?

Aim to make this as detailed as possible, a few pages long at least.

Now, I want you to sit down and really think about how you can make your dream and reality closer together. If you really hate cleaning, can you find $80 a week to have a cleaner come twice, for a few hours? Is it worth it to get that time back? If you hate cooking, can you get all your food through a meal delivery service? If you imagine your houses is minimalist and tidy, can you do a purge of your possessions and set things up the way you dream? You might not be able to move into a mansion (or a cabin 100’s of kms from civilisation), but you CAN take steps to bring the day to day minutia of your life closer to what you wish it was.


Your Week Divided

This exercise was only introduced to me recently, but it made me feel a lot more relaxed and in control of my time.

We tend to think of what we need to do on a day by day basis. We try and cram a lot into every day, because we have a lot of things we are interested in and want to do. But you can’t do everything in a day.

However you probably can do everything in a week. There are 168 hours in a week. If you sleep eight hours a night, which you should, you take away 56 hours and leave yourself with 112 hours.

For this exercise, I want you to take this 112 hours and work out how much time you want to spend on things over the course of a week. For example, if you are a writer, how many thousand words do you want to write in a week? How long does it take you to write that? That’s your weekly writing chunk.

In my case, I wanted to write 10k, which takes me about 7 hours. So if I do 5k on Monday, then 2.5k each on Wednesday and Thursday, I have reached my writing goal for the week. So instead of writing every day, I now have four whole days I can devote to other things.

Don’t forget basic things, like eating, cleaning, commuting and basic hygiene. And don’t think you can fill every second of every day with productivity. Leave some down time for TV, reading or whatever you do when you are exhausted.


Your Perfect Working Week

In truth, exercise one and two were preparing us for this! This is the big one, that will probably take a few hours, or even a few days, to complete. Its very similar to the first one, however instead of a single, perfect day, you are going to map out an entire week. And, if like me, your perfect working day was about 2000 words, then your entire perfect week is going to run somewhere around the 10k to 14k mark.

Don’t feel bad if yours isn’t that long. We all know I am a bit… obsessive. Still, if it isn’t up around 5k, I’d be suspicious you were skipping over some details.

Using your week divided exercise, and your perfect working day exercise, map out an entire perfect working week, including your days off. From the instant you open your eyes, to when you close them, on all seven days.

This is going to show you what you wish you were making time for, and the things that aren’t in your perfect week, are going to show you what you need to cut out of your life.

If you have a long commute, and hate it, its time to start job searching closer to home. Don’t quit before you find a new job, wait until you find the perfect job, or you could end up desperate and with a longer commute. If finding a perfect job means doing some courses and updating your resume, do that first.

If spending 4 hours a day on social media isn’t on your list, then its time to uninstall those social media apps on your phone, and put blockers on your browser, so you can only access them for 1 hour a day. Or less.

DO THE THINGS YOU THINK WILL MAKE YOUR HAPPIER.

No excuses, no guilt. Do them. See if you can actually organize your perfect week. Start to finish, see if you can line it all up so you can actually live it. What was as good as you thought it was going to be? What was better? What was less good?


Moving Forward

Next week, we’re going to talk about the things that are part of your life, that you didn’t include in this exercise. Sometimes what we choose to discard is even more important that what we choose to keep.

Only two more weeks of happiness project to go!


Jake, In Summary:

I love these exercises. I probably re-do them about once a year, and I love looking back through the old versions to see what has changed, how my goals have shifted, and what has stayed the same. I find the consistency very reassuring.

One of the things I find hard, I suppose, is that there is a few things in my life that could be very different, but where I would be equally happy. Do I write a version of the perfect week where I am engaged? Where I am married with kids? Or do I continue to write them for myself while I am single? I am equally happy with all three of these scenarios, though they each look very different.

As most of you know, in February I will have a new little person under my care. I would like to do a new perfect working week for next year, but its a bit hard. I am sure whatever I am imagining being a dad is like, reality will be quite different! I can’t plan a week by ‘guessing’ how much time he will take up—because no one will know until he is here.

The one thing I do know is I want to get a yearly pass to Australia Zoo and take him a few times a month. I also want to talk him on bushwalks and to the beach. I am looking forward to these little adventures, and to showing him the world. So any new plan will involve those things.

How about you? Want to come to the zoo with me? Or are you too busy with a whole new, very exciting plan for your life?

Happiness Series: 14 - Happiness Exercise 4: Relationship Exercises

Romantic Relationships

In modern days, romantic relationships are more important than they have ever been. The social and family networks we used to rely on are fading out. Community is giving way to friends we see once a week, or once a fortnight. Our romantic partner can easily become our primary support network in every aspect of our life.

Honestly, I think this is a huge problem. Particularly for men, who are often now in a position where the only physical contact and support they can receive is a romantic partner. Its not fair to expect your wife to do all that emotional labor. Get friends you can hug and talk to, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, my personal feelings on toxic masculinity aside, your romantic partner is often you partner in every way. Financial, parental, they help you with problems, be they logistical or emotional, you are tethered together in every way people can be.

So it is important to have a healthy, happy, successful romantic relationship.


How To Fix What You Have

Maybe last week you did the exercise and you realized you aren’t in the relationship you want to be in. Maybe your partner doesn’t meet your needs and you’re wondering if there is something, or someone, out there who is better.

I’m not here to end relationships. I am here to strengthen the good ones, to make them better. So before you make a decision, I want you to do something for me… and, for you.

You want thinks from your partner you aren’t getting. I want you to think really hard about the things they want from you they aren’t getting. Would they like you to be happier? More attentive? Sexier? More helpful around the house?

For two months, I want you to throw EVERYTHING YOU HAVE into being the best partner you can be. No nagging, no arguing, be an enthusiastic, welcoming, giving lover, do more than your share of the housework, let them have their way, be considerate, give everything you have to being THEIR perfect partner. No matter how they act, no matter how little appreciation they show. Give them the best two months of their entire lives.

That is the exercise, but to facilitate it, take a moment to write down your goals for those two months. Make a list of all the things you think your partner wishes you did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say, then make a game plan for how you are going to avoid those things. EG:

‘Ravi hates it when I nag about dirty clothes on the floor, when I see clothes on the floor, even if they aren’t mine, I will just put them in the wash basket and say nothing.’
If at the end of two months, they haven’t changed, you can make the decision to end it. But don’t make that call before you have given 100%, until you have down everything in your power to meet THEIR needs, so they can meet yours.

This is a great exercise, even if you are in a happy relationship. You might find you can be in an even better one, with just a little more effort, love and understanding.

(And if it still isn’t working out, well, don’t be afraid. You have just proved how awesome you can be to a partner, how much you have to give when you really put the effort in, and now you can find someone willing to put in the same.)


How To Find What You’re Looking For

Maybe you are single. Maybe you don’t want to be single. Maybe you are struggling to find the sort of relationship you want to be in. If this is the case, I believe there are three possible reasons for this.

1. You aren’t prioritizing dating, time wise.
2. You are dismissing people before getting to know them.
3. You are presenting yourself very poorly.

Lets talk about 1. If you are bemoaning not being able to meet someone, but you haven’t gone anywhere it would be possible for you to meet anyone that week, you’re a moron. Its like complaining you didn’t win a prize when you didn’t enter the competition.

Personally, I am not a huge fan of online dating. The pros are that everyone is looking for a date, so it would SEEM you are talking to more eligible people than, say, at a party where most people may already be married. However people are hard to read online. There is very little information, so we tend to place too high of a value on the information at hand. Maybe you want someone who loves dogs, but not every dog lover is going to put it on their profile. They might fear it is a turn off. Or, someone who says they love dogs might just be trying to look more friendly. However if you are out with someone and they point out every damn dog and talk about their dog and show you a photo of their dog, they probably like dogs.

Plus, body language is important. Confidence, openness, expressions, interest, or lack their of in what you as saying. None of this can be assessed online.

So if you spent two hours swiping on tinder, don’t tell me you spent two hours trying to meet people. It doesn’t count.

You are better going to events and, *gasp* talking to people. There are thousands of things you can attend, often for free, where there are like minded people. Rallies, music festivals, food markets, dog walks, church, art events, book launches, exercise classes, choirs, dancing classes, library events and classes, sporting groups, friend’s parties, etc, etc.

The trick is, not just to talk to people you think are hot. Talk to everyone, make friends, connect. Please just connect.

Exercise: Commit to spending X number of hours a week meeting new people. Use those hours in situations where you can meet and talk to people face to face. If you don’t make conversation with new people at those events, you don’t get to count them toward your hours for the week. And when deciding on the number of hours, make sure it reflects how important you SAY finding a partner is. If it is your number one priority, I expect you to put in 10+ hours a week, not two.

Back to the list, 2. You are dismissing people too quickly. It takes time to get to know someone. Hopefully, if you met someone at a class or group, you can keep meeting them there. But if you go on a date with someone, and it didn’t go well, they might have been super nervous. If someone was a bit dull, give them a few more chances. Let them come out of their shell.

Exercise: Get to know people, don’t just compare them to some mythical person in your head, then decide they’re not close enough and move on. If they aren’t a creep, and are interested in you, give them at least three dates to prove themselves.

And number 3, you’re coming across poorly. This could be a lot of things, from how you dress and your personal grooming, to the things you talk about, or it could be your body language (no one is attracted to anxious, needy or insecure body language).

If you think: “Well, people should like me for me!” but you have pit stains and bad breath…..no, no they shouldn’t. Its disrespectful to show up looking like a slob. Its also disrespectful to bore the other person stupid talking about yourself for an hour.

Exercise: Identify your weaknesses. If you can find someone of the gender you want to date who is willing to be very honest, they may be able to give you a list of your flaws. DO NOT ask someone you are attracted to, the blow to your ego will take a long time to heal. Look for the sort of person you want to date, and listen (genuinely listen) when they describe the sort of things they want in a partner.

PRO TIP: Its not as much about looks or money as you think. Men tend to want people who are kind, fun, generous and who think they are sexy. Women tend to look for people who are confident, kind, fun, generous and who treat them with respect. Ask yourself how you can demonstrate those traits with your actions. Don’t be that idiot who goes around trying to tell people how ‘nice’ or ‘smart’ you are. No one believes you.

Exercise: When you have identified your weaknesses, go on youtube, and learn about personal grooming and fashion. Go on youtube and learn how to be a more interesting, engaging conversationalist. Go to acting classes and toastmasters to learn how to have more confidence. There is no single thing on the planet that you can’t be taught if you are willing to put the effort in. You are never going to be happy or find someone by moaning.

Stop bitching and improve.


Family Relationships

This is the hardest one of all. We can’t choose family. They are family regardless of if we estrange ourselves. And, often, that fact seems to make some people think they are entitled to things from you, and that they should be able to act however they like and still be forgiven.

Oddly, we often don’t want to be vulnerable to family. We don’t want to tell them how we feel—we expect them to know. Sometimes the solution to family problems is communication.

Exercise:
1. Make a list of the problems you have with family, big to small.
2. Write down how those behaviors or words make you feel.
3. Craft a short, self focused statement you can say the next time it comes up, that explains how it makes you feel. Try and use ‘I’ statements and don’t accuse or go on too long. Say something like: “When people make jokes about my weight, it makes me feel very sad. Often I go home and I cry about it. It makes me not want to socialize.”
Likely, they will say something in their defense, like: “I just say it because I’m worried about your health.”
Stick with the same accusing tone and self focus: “I don’t feel motivated when I hear those things, I just feel sad and hurt and unloved.”

Then, once you have expressed those feelings, it may be best to walk away, distance yourself and give them time to think about it. Don’t lash out, stay calm, be honest. You may have to have this conversation several times with the same person. If they mock you, or are intentionally cruel, it may be worth estranging yourself from that person permanently. However its worth being vulnerable first. You don’t loose anything, it doesn’t make you weak—sharing your feelings makes you strong, and braver than them.


Friends And Connections

Friends can be the best thing that happened to us, or the worst. Friendship is dangerously devalued in our society. Divorce is seen as a life-changing, devastation, but you could end a twenty year friendship and have people shrug and changed the conversation.

Friendships can have the same problems as romantic relationships—friends can abuse you, hurt you, betray you, damage you—just as deeply as a romantic partner. They can also lift you up, support you, and be as important to you as a romantic partner.

The difference between friends and partners or family, is you can have lots of friends, you can make new friends all the time, and you can often adjust the intensity of friendships, leaning in or pulling back as life dictates.

Friends should be a lot more important than they are. Your friends should be the bulk of your emotional support, possibly even your physical contact. Spreading your emotional needs over many people, takes pressure off your partner and kids to be sole support for your needs.

So it is important we have good friends, and it is much MORE important that we ARE good friends.

Exercise:
1. Write down ten traits you want your close friends to have. (EG: Loves animals, believes in equality for everyone, loves books, kind, relaxed, passionate, supportive)
2. Write down ten traits you want to have as a friend to others.
3. Write down at least two ways you can demonstrate each trait to your friends.
4. Add all your close friends birthdays to your yearly planner, and stop relying on facebook to remind you.
5. Write down ten ways you can be a better friend to your friends. You might get some ideas from the demonstrating trait’s list.
6. Look objectively at your close friends and identify the friendships that are doing you harm. The friendships you are putting all the work into. The friendships you are chasing, with no reciprocation. The friendships where you are being dragged into drama and bad behavior you don’t want to be part of. First, stop chasing people who aren’t willing to put the same effort into you. Secondly, think about how to disengage from the bad behaviors. If a friend always wants to drink and you end up doing things you regret with them, see if you can arrange to do non drinking things, like going to the beach. Or if a friend is constantly negative, tell them you love them and you think they are great, but you don’t want to engage in negativity and gently prompt them to talk about positive things around you.
7. If you realize all your friends are toxic and ditch them all, go out on a mission to find the sort of friends who have the traits you want in a friend. Be the friend you want to be with them. Enjoy new, awesome friendships!


Moving Forward

Wow, that was a long post. Are you still here, reading this? I am so impressed with you! Next week we’re going to talk about the perfect week. Its an exercise I love talking about, and I hope you love reading about it.


Jake, In Summary:

A few years ago I realize I had let myself focus on toxic friendships. This was mostly because I was so ill, I thought I had to be friends with whoever would tolerate me. Some of them had to go, and some of them had to change.

I stopped chasing people who didn’t care about me. (If I stopped messaging you all the time, now you know why. Shoulda picked up the damn phone, peeps.) I addressed some problems, and I let some people go entirely.

There were, of course, lots of friendships that remained untouched. I have a lot of awesome people in my life. But what really surprised me, was when I cut out the bad stuff, so much good stuff flowed in. I thought making new friends would be hard, but over the past two years I have met so many fantastic, lovely, wonderful, supportive people. I am honored to be friends with them and love and support them. And now I am open to it, I see potential new friends everywhere I go.

Toxic people stain you, and they scare away the good people. If you clear them out, and are committed to being good yourself, you won’t be lonely, I promise!

Happiness Series: 13 - Happiness Exercise 3: What sort of person do you want to be?

If You Could Be Anyone, Who Would You Be?

What if I told you you could erase all your flaws, all your past mistakes, and design the person you want to be from the ground up? Gender, education, family, friends, hobbies, living situation, job, and all the rest?

What if you could be the sort of person who wears beautiful clothes, goes to brunch with friends on Sunday morning and speaks three different languages? Or maybe you’d prefer to be the sort of person who has an amazing garden, who reads in a hammock, in the shade, while bees and butterflies hum around you. Maybe you’d prefer to be an epic chef, who has dinner parties and cooks legendary breakfasts-in-bed for your gorgeous partner.

We both know, the truth is there are probably some things you can’t have. I am transgender. I am, mentally, a man. I would love to have a man’s body. With HRT and surgery, I will get most of the way there, enough that most people won’t be able to tell I am trans. And that is great. However I’ll never have a functional penis and I’ll never father children the traditional way, not unless there is a sudden and dramatic change in technology.

I’d also love to be healthier, and while I continue to pursue new avenues to improve my health every day through drug and diet trials and research, there is a high chance I won’t ever be 100% healthy.

However the fact that I can go from living as a woman for 30 years, to coming out as a man, the fact that I can go from virtually bed-ridden to how I am now, shows that almost anything is possible.

Maybe you’re sitting there thinking you wish you’d married your highschool sweetheart, but, this isn’t about what you wish you could HAVE, this is about who you wish you COULD BE.


But Who Am I?

If you’re really serious about being the person you want to be, you need to know who that person is. You could just say: ‘I want to be kinder’ or ‘I want to socialize more’ and maybe you would make small changes, but the truth is, they probably wouldn’t have much impact.

The reason is, who you are now, is holding you back from those things. Maybe you think of yourself as an angry person, or an introvert. As long as you hold those beliefs, you’re always going to be fighting against what you believe is your nature when you try and be kind, or go out more. Mentally, you will be telling yourself its hard, because its just not the sort of person you are.

So if you are really going to become the person you want to be, you need to work from the ground up. But that also means you’re going to have to accept something really, really scary.

You are going to have to accept the idea that personality and personality traits, aren’t set in stone. Some, not all, of our personalities, come not from nature, but from learned circumstance.

Lets take being shy as an example. Imagine you are five, and you are introduced to an adult. For some reason, this adult scares you a little. Maybe they are too loud, maybe they stink of the tuna they just ate, maybe they are looking at you in a creepy way. They address you and you, in fear, don’t know what to say or do. Your parent, trying to be polite says: “They’re shy.”

Oh, you think. I’m shy.

Next time you have to talk to someone, but you’re not sure what to say, your brain fills in the blank for you. I can’t think of what to say because I’m shy. Every time you don’t know what to say, that belief is enforced. You start to go out of your way not to introduce yourself to people, because you know you are shy, you will get tongue tied.

Its hard to be outgoing, to be the life of the party, to make new friends, to be a social coordinator, when you are shy. You don’t know what to say, you find it hard to approach people, you feel awkward.

Imagine though, if you always knew what to say. Imagine if you always knew the exact words that would make someone smile, or like you, or back off when they are being an asshole. Imagine if you knew with complete confidence, that every time you opened your mouth, the exact right words would come out.

Would you still be shy? I’m guessing probably not. Which proves being shy isn’t really your problem. Your problem is you don’t know what to say. But knowing what to say is a learned skill, some of us learn it as children, some of us have handicaps like autism that make it a lot harder. But the truth is, its a skill we can learn even as adults.

Take acting classes, join your local toastmasters group, read books on being a better conversationalist, join an ASL class and help people who are learning English. Take the time to actually learn how to make conversation confidently.

Then, you can be the outgoing person, the friendly person, the person who makes everyone feel good. Its not nature, its a skill, and its a skill you can possess if you are willing to put in the time and effort.


To Get There, You Need  A Roadmap

So, how do you go about designing the person you want to be, from the ground up?

You sit down with a computer, or a notepad and pen, and you answer a lot of questions. These questions:

1. List the top five personality traits you wish described you?
2. What education level and degrees do you wish you had?
3. Where do you wish you lived?
4. What career would you have, if you were assured enough money to be comfortable?
5. What gender do you wish you had been born as?
6. What sort of fashion, clique and style do you wish you had/were a part of?
7. What sort of person are you attracted to, honestly? (Gender, personality, looks, hobbies, morals, attitudes, etc)
8. What sort of relationship do you wish you had with god/the spiritual?
9. What relationship do you wish you had with your family?
10. What sort people do you wish you were friends with?
11. How do you wish you spent your spare time?
12. List five things you wish you were really good at?
13. How do you wish other people described you?
14. What do you wish you had done, or kept practicing, ten years ago? (Hobbies, skills, languages, saving money, exercising, etc)
15. Describe your perfect bedroom?
16. Describe your perfect working space?
17. Describe your perfect living space? (Living room, kitchen, dining, recreation, outdoor entertaining)
18. Describe your perfect garage/shed/garden?
19. Describe your perfect holiday?
20. If you had to teach a class for an entire year, what would you want to be teaching?
21. All things being equal, when do you wish you could get up and go to sleep? (Allow eight hours for sleeping.)
22. What sort of romantic relationship do you wish you had?
23. What sort of parent do you wish you were? Do you want kids?
24. If you could be the best in the world at anything at all, what would it be?
25. Describe yourself if you were at your ideal weight, health and fitness level?
26. If you were going to start a charity, and you knew with 100% certainty it would live on long after you died, what would that charity be? Who would it serve and protect?
27. Describe your perfect long weekend, from the moment you wake up, until the moment you go to sleep on the third day?
28. What books, movies, documentaries and TV shows do you wish you had the time to watch or read?
29. If you woke up tomorrow with zero possessions, but for your car, photos and an empty house, but you had a million dollars to replace everything, what would you buy? What /wouldn’t/ you buy?
30. What do you want your obituary to say?

Wow, that’s a long list of questions, but if you go through and answer them all, you will probably learn a lot about yourself. A lot of surprising things, I bet. But now, you have a blueprint of the person you really wish you could be.


What’s the Difference?

So part two of the exercise, is comparing the person you wish you were, to the person you are now. Look at each answer, and ask yourself what you can do to make what you have, into what you wish you had.

Maybe when you got to question 29 you imagined a much more minimalist house. Maybe you have no intention of buying back all the clutter that currently gums up your house. If so, read The Magic Art Of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. Purge your junk. Have the house you wish you had.

Maybe when you got to question 26, you realize you were super passionate about a cause. You might not be able to start your own charity right now, but maybe you can volunteer at another one and spent your free time doing something that matters to you.

Maybe when you got to question 13 you cried, because you want people to describe you as supportive, warm, trustworthy and fun, but really, when you are with your friends, all you do is gossip and complain. But now you can make a change. You can vow never to gossip again and only to complain rarely, and in a constructive way. You can become that supportive listener who makes everyone else happy.


Moving Forward

Gosh, that was a long post. And possibly a very emotional one. I hope you now have a clear vision, even if realizing it is going to mean confronting some painful truths.

Next week, we’re going to delve deeper into some of the questions we looked at today and develop our interpersonal relationships.


Jake, In Summary:

My life the last few weeks has been really hard. I have a terrible upper respiratory infection and I am currently unable to antibiotics. Trying to keep up with my day to day life has a been a challenge, and I haven’t been able to be the type of man I want to be. I particularly miss socializing with my friends, and attending my church (MCC Brisbane).

But it has been a time of great self reflection. I have been working hard on a career plan for next year. So its not all bad. And I have some very special good news to announce in the next few weeks, so stay tuned.

Happiness Series: 12 - Happiness Exercise 2: Limiting and Negative Beliefs

Negative Self Beliefs

You would rather be right than happy. If you need a refresher on this, go back to week three and re-read the post I wrote on the topic. You will always choose to belief information that makes you right, even if being right makes you miserable.

If you believe you are ugly, you will gravitate toward people who treat you like you are ugly. You will ignore the people who tell you you are beautiful and treat you with respect, you might actively avoid them. You would rather be right than happy.

If you believe all men/women are cheaters, you will actively avoid anyone who gives off loyal vibes. You’ll find them unattractive, or boring, or whatever. You’ll seek out the men/women who are clearly going to cheat on you. You’d rather be right than happy.

We all have dozens of negative self beliefs that make us unhappy, because we would rather believe them and be right. We look for proof they are right, over and over, because when we are right, we feel secure. And its better to be secure and miserable, than uncertain and happy. You might not even be able to be uncertain and happy.

So in order to be happy, you have to find those negative self beliefs and change them.


THE EXERCISE:

This exercise is going to be a challenging one. And if you can’t be honest with yourself, you’ll fail. And you’ll continue to be miserable.

Open a word document on your computer, or find a blank page on a notepad, and write down every negative belief you have. This could take a long time. Maybe an hour, maybe a few hours.

You might want to split them up into categories:

What are all the negative beliefs you have about yourself?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about money?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about your parents, siblings and other family?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about work and career?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about dating?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about your relationships?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about friends?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about religions?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about other races and minorities?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about politics?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about the housing market?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about education?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about travel?

Choose categories that are relevant to you and the areas of your life you aren’t happy with. What do you want, but think you can have? Why? As I said, its going to take a while. And its going to be very confronting. You might be shocked at some of the things you write down. You might feel a lot of resistance.


STEP TWO:

Now you have a huge list of negative self beliefs. Just identifying them will help, since now you can see where your ‘mental blocks’ are coming from. However knowing isn’t enough. To be happy, you have to change those beliefs and to change them, you have to find proof they are wrong.

Rank your negative beliefs from least to most harmful. Then choose a belief to tackle. You might want to start small and prove to yourself you can change your mind before you tackle the big ones. Or you might be so outraged by your own beliefs, you want to tackle the biggest one first.

I’ll leave the decision up to you, but whatever you choose, if it isn’t working after a few weeks, change tact and work on a different one.

The next step is to actively find proof you are wrong. Google search, interview people, research, research, research. Ask other people for help looking for information.

EG: if your negative belief is that you are bad with money, learn everything about money management. Commit to reading a finance book every week and listen to finance podcasts. Become a finance expert.

If you want to lose weight, find people who have lost weight and kept it off for a year or more and follow what they did.

If you want to find a partner, 1, meet people, 2, learn about communication (read books, go to acting classes), 3, get a make over and 4, unless they make you feel unsafe, give everyone three chances.

Develop a system to educate yourself and find proof you are wrong. Work through your list until you have a whole new positive system of beliefs.


Moving Forward:

After that rather draining, confronting exercise, next week we will be doing another, though hopefully it will be a bit more fun and leave you feeling enthusiastic. It will be about designing the sort of person you want to be and letting go of the person you have let yourself become.

Hopefully that excites me as much as it does you.


Jake, In Summary

I’ve been doing these negative belief exercises for a fear years and despite my best efforts, some limiting beliefs are hard to let go of, and sometimes new ones form. This is natural and normal, so if you find yourself in this position, don’t fret.

We develop these beliefs because of things that happen to us, things people say. Failure and cruel remarks, even small ones, can be very damaging to us. Particularly if we don’t sit down and address the negative beliefs they have caused.

But now, when I feel resistance, I can sit down and puzzle out what belief is holding me back. I can look for proof that shows me it isn’t true. I find so much proof, I can’t possibly believe it anymore. And then I move on.

I hope you can too, because I’m not writing these blog posts for my sake, I am writing them for you. Because I want you to be happy too.

Happiness Series: 11 - Happiness Exercise 1: Grattitude Journal

What Are You Grateful For?

Imagine, if you can, that everything you weren’t grateful for today, was gone tomorrow.

Imagine if you forgot to say you were grateful for clean water, tomorrow all your tap water and stored beverages would be tainted with sewerage.

Imagine if you forgot to say you were grateful for your partner, tomorrow you would be single.

Imagine if you forgot to say you were grateful to live in a free, fair country, you would end up somewhere war-torn and desperate.

When you really start to think about all the things you could lose, you realize how much you have to be grateful for. Maybe you live in a shitty house, but its better than being homeless. Maybe you hate catching the bus, but its better than walking. Maybe you hate HECS debt, but its better than having no education.

I am sure if you were going to lose EVERYTHING you didn’t say you were grateful for today, you would dedicate the entire day to being grateful to every little thing. Water, air, food, family, friends, roads, even taxes.

As you know, we tend to compare our lives to media and other people. We see the thing they have, that we don’t. So we forget about the things we have. We can’t see how lucky we are.


This Exercise Aims To Address That

Studies repeatedly show gratitude makes us happier. Maybe it seems petty or stupid to you, but the point remains. Grateful people are happier than you, and will continue to be. Swallow your pride and get on the gratitude train already, you’ll be grateful you did.

You Will Need:

1. A pen
2. A fancy notebook you love touching and writing in
3. 10 minutes you set aside every morning or evening

On the first page, write YOUR NAME’S GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Start on the next page by dating the top of the page and writing 3-5 things you are grateful for today.

Every day, write the date at the top, and write 3-5 more things. For as long as possible, try not to double up. You might also like to score your mood out of ten at the bottom of every page.

As an experiment, swear to keep your journal every day for at least two months. If you have a crappy day, you’re miserable, or you’re feeling like you have nothing good in your life, go through your gratitude journal and read all the entries.

At the end of two months, assess how you feel. Do you feel better? Did your mood score average go up? Are you more aware of the things around you that are good now? Are you less jealous of other people?

For me, having a gratitude journal has added nothing but positivity to my life. I tend to do it first thing in the morning, so I start the day with something positive.  It only take a few minutes, tops.

You don’t have to use a journal. There are also a lot of fantastic gratitude apps. Zest is my favorite, but I am sure if you search in the app store, you will find plenty to try out.

Its most important that it be easy and accessible, not aesthetically pleasing. The easier and more accessible it is, the more likely you are to do it.


Moving Forward

This is the first of six exercises designed to help you improve your overall happiness. I hope you will try them all and I hope you will have the same sort of results I did. I’m not suggesting anything I haven’t done, or don’t do, which hasn’t helped me. So I know they work… at least they work for me.


Jake, In Summary:

To be 100% honest, I haven’t been keeping my gratitude journal as regularly as I used to. Someone very close to me died, and I was so broken-hearted, I couldn’t face any sort of positivity. I started to think I would never be positive again. A lot of my good habits fell by they wayside, and this was one of them.

However now my heart is mending and its time for me to pick up the gratitude journal once more. So today also starts the first day of my enforced habit forming two months of gratitude journaling. So if you like, you and I can start together.

Happiness Series: 10 - To Be Happy: Acknowledge Your Value

The Value Society Awards Us

In an earlier post, I talked about the importance of not hating yourself.

Today, I want to talk about the importance of acknowledging your value.

We live in a society that likes to act like some people are more valuable than others. This is a largely capitalist agenda, as in most cases, those who are productive and make a lot of money are seen as more important than those who are poor and unproductive.

Imagine the trolley problem, but there are only two two people on the tracks. One is a homeless man with no education, poor health and no home or job. The other is a well paid doctor with a big house and a family.

Deep down, most of us are conditioned to believe it is better to let the homeless man die. The doctor saves lives. He has a family. We have been taught it would be worse somehow if he dies. That society will be worse off, because the doctor was contributing more.

We are taught to put someone’s value to society over their value as individuals. However ‘value’ tends to be warped by consumerism. When we are shown what people hold value—by media—we are largely seeing people and lifestyles that encourage, even insist, we spend money and produce beyond our means.

Depending on your cultural background, the expectations you feel you have to live up to will vary. However there are likely to be some general crossovers.

For example, you are expected to be educated. You are expected to have achieved top grades and come from a good school. How often do you look at your old grades and feel ashamed? How often do you wish you had gone to a better university or college? That is proof of those expectations pressure on you.

If you are a woman, you are expected to have good make up game, but you will also be criticized for this, you are expected to dress well, be fit, to have a husband by a certain age, to be good at cooking, cleaning and to have an appropriate job, that you like. If you have children, you are expected to keep them clean, pretty, well behaved and have a house that people can drop by and visit any time.

Failure in any of these areas likely causes you anxiety, or draws criticism.

Men are expected to have good jobs, a good car, to be fit, to have a girlfriend or wife, to possess a range of skills, such as car maintenance, strength and primitive skills, like making fires, BBQing and building. Men are also expected to be knowledgeable on a range of things, to the point where I frequently see men lying to appear knowledgeable (pro tip, this is obvious to everyone) or even becoming panicked when a women knows more than them on a subject.

On top of these, there is also a lot of consumer based pressures we all feel, carefully designed and targeted at us by advertising. The need to have big TVs, new computers, fancy couches, well dressed pets and so on. Whatever product you feel will make you more impressive and less embarrassed to be yourself.

If you do not, or can not, meet these standards that society says deem you ‘worthy’, you will probably feel like shit. This might be, among other things, because you are poor, overweight, queer, old, physically or mentally unwell, working a shit job, homeless, uneducated, single, childless, unemployed, a loner, or even just have bad dress sense.

You feel like shit, because you know if it was you on the tracks, most people would choose to save the doctor instead of you. You know people see you as less, because that is how society has been conditioned to think.


The Inherent Value Of A Person

Are you friends with someone who is poor, overweight, queer, old, physically or mentally unwell, working a shit job, homeless, uneducated, single, childless, unemployed, a loner, or has bad dress sense?

Does that impact their value to you as a person? If you said yes, you might be a bit of an asshole. And by asshole, I mean bigot. You also might to revisit the term ‘friend’.

Anyway, I am sure most of you say no, that those things don’t impact how much you love your friends. Why would it? You aren’t friends with people because they are rich or thin, etc. You are friends with them because you like them, because they bring you joy, because you care about them.

I believe, we as a society, need to realize that people have inherent value regardless of what they contribute. That all people have equal value. This is very clear in the bible, God loves everyone equally, saints and sinners alike. However it is rarely practiced by Christians. However once we accept the inherent value of everyone, the idea that the life of the doctor who cured cancer is equal to that of a dying, disabled child in a third world country, the world opens up in a new way.

Suddenly the answer of what to do with refugees is clear. We treat them as we would honored guests. Same goes for any minority or marginalized group. This ideology doesn’t forgive criminals—though it does improve the justice system. People who hurt other people, should be removed from society, to keep everyone safe. But when all people are seen as equal, and holding equal value, the need to protect everyone is greater.

And once you accept this idea that all people are equally valuable, regardless of their accomplishments, you can step out from under the yolk of expectation. YOU are equally valuable to everyone else. No more, no less. You, exactly as you are, without changing anything, are equal to the people you most idolize… and most despise.

Maybe this ideology isn’t for everyone.

Maybe you agree with the need for ‘ranking’ people, from best to worst. If so, you are going to spend the rest of your life fighting to improve your score, and you will never be enough. Have fun with that.


The Value Of The People You Love

You probably have a lot of reasons for loving the people around you. I hope most of those reasons aren’t based on what they contribute to society. It might help you get your head around the concept if you wrote a list of all the things you love about your friends. Be specific. Here is an example list I wrote about several of my friends, all mashed together (for anonymity).

- Poop and fart jokes, so childish but always makes me smile.
- Hilariously hyperbolic love of cheese.
- Wants to support others at all costs.
- Gets teary when they read a sad animal story.
- Says they don’t like tomatoes, but eats a lot of tomatoes.
- Takes funny pictures of squirrels.
- Loves their pet SO much.
- Loves my dogs, treats them like little people.
- Does a cute frown when thinking hard.
- Always so happy to see me, makes me feel so loved.
- Such a complicated coffee order!
- Always sits in the lotus position.
- Loves bright colors.
- Can’t understand what they’re talking about, but they’re so intensely passionate about whatever it is.

These are random things I love about my friends. Things about them that make me smile. Things that I look on fondly, even if society deems them weird or useless.

If you write a few big long lists, of all the little, pointless things you love about people, you start to see what is really valuable. And that it is none of those things society claims it is. I never liked someone for their car. I never liked someone for their tight abs. I never liked someone because of the brand of makeup they were wearing.

I might be interested in those things because my friend is, but I had to like that friend first. And I probably like them because they love cats, or listened to me when I needed them. Until then, I couldn’t give a shit what car they brought.

When you have these lists written for your friends, you 1) start to appreciate and love them more, because you are actively noticing what you love about them, but 2) you realize conscious or subconscious, they have a list like this for you too.

And even if you know NO ONE and have no friends of family, you still have these traits. All the things that make up you, the quirks, the hobbies, the fears and loves and unique bizarreness, has inherent value.

You have value.

You are enough.

Exactly as you are now.


Moving Forward

Next week we start exercises! I’ve already mentioned exercises a few times and made some small suggestions, but over the coming weeks, the exercises are going to be focused, detailed and have a handy template to help you get started.

I really hope the past 10 weeks have given you a lot of insight into how your mind works and how our perceptions and beliefs affect our happiness. I hope they will give you a level of perspective that makes the exercises more productive and helpful to you.

I hope you are starting to re-assess your life and your values and already finding new sources of happiness, even if it was as simple as changing your mind.


Jake, In Summary:

As someone who is very driven by goals, its very easy for me to accept the value in others, and very hard for me to accept that I am enough, right now, as I am.

I am lucky to have a lot of supportive people in my life, who tell me what they admire about me. Which has, many times, saved me when I might have been lost to the sheer hopelessness of my chronic illness.

For a very long time I have believed there was no chance I would improve, that my life would be a slow decent, becoming more and more dependent until my illness killed me. As such, I have long been under the societal pressure that I was useless, a waste of resources, and the world (and my family) would be better off without me.

This is a daily reality for chronically ill people, be their illness mental or physical. It is an idea society reinforces every day. It is the voice that drives so many to end their lives: ‘You are not enough.’

Choosing to believe in the inherent value of people is like immunization. Your belief shelters others. It forms a wall of protection for people who otherwise might loose hope.

Some days it is easier for me to accept my own value than others, but I never doubt YOUR value. And that’s what lets us be strong for each other.

Happiness Series: 9 - To Be Happy: Organise Your Priorities

How Do We Define Priorities?

Our priorities are what we identify as important and how we spend our time. Sometimes, we have a very clear idea of what is important to us, but it isn’t reflected in our actions. We give time to things we say are unimportant, while putting aside the things we claim matter to use.

So it is important to consider both: thoughts and actions. The things we SAY are important, and the things we actually give our time to. If these two elements are in conflict, it is difficult to be truly happy.

If we say our children matter most to us, but we never have any time for them, how could we be happy? We are wasting our time on things that don’t matter to us, and we are missing time with that which is most precious.

Maybe we say our education matters to us right now, but all our time is going to netflix. I’m sure for some of you, just reading that gave you a sense of guilt and anxiety. We can’t feel guilty and anxious about how we are using our time, and still be happy.


What Role Do Priorities Play In Our Lives?

Priorities influence our conscious and unconscious choices. Our priorities, or the priorities we pretend to have, help define us as people. They are are part of our identity. They also influence how we spend our time, so you can see that our priorities are vitally important.

They decide how we spend our time, how we make choices and influence our identity. And yet, generally they aren’t something we give a lot of thought to. Rather, they are just there. Unquestioned and assumed.

In fact, for many of us, our priorities only come up when we are in direct conflict with someone else. Conflicts between spouses about money are often conflicts of priorities. One person prioritizes financial security, saving or even just communication before spending, and the other felt that spending the money was a more valuable use of resources.

So regardless how how much attention you pay to your priorities, they are impacting almost every part of your life, every day.


Identify Your Current Priorities:

The truth is, your current priorities are probably not what you want them to be. If you say your health is important to you, but work takes priority over exercise and cooking healthy meals, health is not really at the top of your list.

Same goes with a lot of people on my friend’s list and writing. A lot of them want writing to be a priority, they claim it is, but they never actually take any steps to put it ahead of other things in their life. Their spouses, children and friends are always first, and writing never happens.

Maybe you claim your priority is paying off debt, but you still can’t walk past a book or video game sale. This is generally because, in the moment, we believe the purchase will make us happier than our formerly stated goal of paying off debt. In the long term though, we will probably wish we had stuck to paying off our credit cards.

So if we want to take control of our own identity, the choices we make and how we spend our time, its a good idea to start by identifying what our priorities really are.

The best way to to that is by tracking how you spend your time. Then label each activity with the priority it represents. Cleaning might be homemaking, cooking might be health, but it could also be ‘children’, exercise might be ‘weight loss’ or ‘health’ or even something like ‘meditation’.

Be aware of mis-attributing things, because you want to feel better about them. Don’t call cooking health, if you are eating terrible food. Don’t call browsing websites ‘relaxation’ if it doesn’t relax you, its really just avoidance behavior that makes you feel guilty.

If you can’t be honest with yourself about where your priorities really are, you can’t fix them. Its very hard to get first aid and treat an injury if you refuse to admit you have a gaping wound.

If all your priorities were in order, and being attended to properly, this exercise couldn’t help you. You want to find some problems, because that means you have room to improve the situation.


What Priorities Will Make You Happy?

What priorities will make YOU happy, depends on you, what you want from your life and what sort of person you want to be. However some things are more likely to make you happy than others. Family and friends, for example, had been shown to make the biggest impact on our overall happiness, so moving them higher on your priority list may improve your life. Particularly if you focus on good quality, meaningful time together, rather than just cleaning up after your kids and calling that a ‘family’ priority.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of the things you might consider when writing your list of priorities:

- Family and socialization
- Finances and safety
- Health
- Diet and home life
- Career
- Education and personal development
- Spirituality
- Community and charity
- Hobbies
- Reputation
- Events, concerts, exhibitions
- Sports
- Holidays


What Do You Want Your Priorities To Be?

Okay, so you know what your priorities are, and there are some areas in your life that need work. The next thing you ask yourself, is what order do you want your priorities to be in?

Write a list, rank things in importance, be realistic. Your writing is never going to be more important than your family or paying the bills. However when you have a list that outlines what you want your priorities to be in life, make those your priorities. When choosing what to do with your time, use the list. When you are trying to focus on something and something else interrupts, refer to your list. Put the most important thing first. Tell your kids or husband to wait, so solve their own problems. Tell your boss he’ll have to talk to you during work hours, or even turn your phone off.

Life your life, tending to your priorities in the order they matter to you.

Learn to say no and ignore the things that don’t matter to you. They don’t matter. Its time to make room for the things that do.


Moving Forward:

Now we have our priorities organized, next week we are going to acknowledge our own value. This is harder for some than others, but it is integral to being happy. Or, at least, happier.

So I hope you’ll tune in next week, ready to love the shit out of the best person you know: you.


Jake, In Summary:

I think most people who know me, know my priorities. I think occasionally people passing me on the street know my priorities. They are not something I am shy about sharing with the world.

Two things most important to me are my writing, and my pets and close family. Other things high on my priority list are finding solutions to my health issues, supporting and interacting with my friends, my relationship with God, my finances, my hobbies and furthering my education.

Despite being single, romance doesn’t really make an entry on my priority list. Nor does travel, sport or attending concerts. Though I am very partial to gardening events and shows.

I think my priorities are going to be changing soon, and it is a good time for me to sit down and think about the person I want to be in this next stage of my life. I’m looking forward to weeks 11 to 16, when we do all the exercise parts of this series—though they’ll probably be too personal to share here!

Happiness Series: 8 - To Be Happy: Stop Hating Yourself

Why Do We Dislike Ourselves?

Your dislike for yourself is likely directly proportionate to how much you feel you are the person you want to be.

If you think you are kind, generous, loyal and spendthrift, but in reality you haven’t gone out of your way to do anything kind since you threw a surprise party for someone a year ago, you never buy someone lunch without asking them to pay you back, you gossiped about your best friend yesterday and you spent half your paycheck on a new jacket that doesn’t actually fit very well, then you probably aren’t too fond of yourself.

Again, this comes down to cognitive dissonance. To maintain a positive self identity, you have to lie to yourself about the traits you have. And even though you are steadfast in your belief of the lie, your brain still knows the truth and it causes constant, low level cognitive dissonance.

To relieve it, you either have to admit you aren’t any of those good things you think you are, or actually start embodying the traits you claim to be.

The other reason we find ourselves rather dislikeable, is because we haven’t achieved the things we want to have achieved. Or we have achieved them, and they aren’t as great as we hoped. This come back to comparisons. Either comparisons of what we thought we would have achieved by now, or comparisons between the fantasy and reality of our goals.

Maybe you thought having kids would make you happy, but the reality is much harder and messier than you thought it would be, so you feel like a failure.

Maybe you thought you’d be published by now, but you just have a stack of rejection letters.

Maybe you tell everyone work is great and you love it, but it actually sucks and you hate getting up in the morning. Problem is, if you admit it or not, you hate that you’re lying. No one wants to be a liar. But sometimes we feel like we have to lie, or risk everyone we know thinking we’re a failure.

Most people feel this way, and most people end up disliking themselves because of it.


Have A Vision For Who You Want To Be
What sort of person do you want to be?

I’m not asking what sort of person you think you are. But if you got to choose what sort of person you were, if you could go back and re-write both nature and nurture, if you were tabula rasa (a blank slate) what sort of person would you choose to be?

Its very hard to get somewhere, if you don’t know where you’re going. You could just get in the car and drive and maybe you would find somewhere awesome. Or maybe you would just drive around lost until you got frustrated and went home.

Its not all that different when it comes to personality and who we are. Sure, there are some elements of us that are set in stone. Even if I tried, I don’t think I will ever become a big sports fan. Or a big board game fan. Both of these things bore me.

However when it comes to my interactions with other people, I am in complete control of how I want to be perceived. I can choose to be confident or shy, I can choose to be friendly or reserved. I can choose to put the effort in and look presentable, or I can be a slob.

Attitudes and behavior are more habit than anything else, and habits can be changed with conscious effort. If you want to be more friendly, make yourself be friendlier. Learn to say hello to strangers and introduce yourself. Ask polite questions about people, learn to be a better conversationalist.

If you want to be more confident, take some lessons on acting or toastmasters and learn to use more confident body language. And when someone says something rude, stand up for yourself or other people.

I have a quote in my bujo, but I don’t know where it is from: ‘Be the person you want your soulmate to fall in love with.’

At the very least, have a vision of yourself that is someone YOU would love.


Commit To Kind Honesty

What if you committed to honesty, right now? What if when someone asked you a question you didn’t want to answer, you said: “I don’t want to answer that.” Instead of coming up with a lie?

What if instead of making an excuse for why you can’t go to an event, you tell the truth? You’re exhausted and there is no parking there?

What if instead of telling someone you’re not ready for a relationship, you told them you’re not interested in them? Because you’re just not attracted to them?

Telling the truth can be scary, because we’re afraid we’ll be judged or incite more conflict that we want to avoid. However the opposite is usually true. People trust you more, when they know you will be honest with them. And a painful truth is much healthier for everyone than a pretty lie.

Most importantly, it will make you feel better. You will like yourself more and you will feel more relaxed, more trusting and more content in your own skin.


Accept That Being A Good Person Takes Work

Sometimes, I think we excuse ourselves from certain behaviors because we believe its more effort for us than other people. We think its naturally easy for others to be kind and generous. They were born that way, we weren’t and it would take us five times as much effort as them for the same output.

I’m just not that kind of person, we say. It doesn’t come naturally to me.

I disagree. I think people who are kind and generous got into the habit younger. They were probably taught to be consistent as children or toddlers, so it is easier NOW, but it probably wasn’t when they were learning it. Likewise, it may take some effort for you to learn the habit now, but eventually it will become habit, then it will be effortless. Its just a matter of re-training your brain.

Maybe you think its not worth the effort, but unless you are terminally ill, you have years ahead of you. In ten years, what will you regret you didn’t start now? I’m guessing being a kind and generous person will be on the list (along with saving money, so get on that too).


Moving Forward

Next week, we’re going to talk about priorities and the role they play in happiness. I really hope you’re all still enjoying this series and finding it useful. Don’t be shy about dropping me a line to say you are!


Jake, A Summary

This post comes at a time when I am struggling to find gratitude in every day life. Things are not going my way and I have spent weeks both nauseous and with a frustrating, low grade flu that won’t go away. I’m working hard, and I don’t seem to be making any progress. I also don’t seem to have time for my friends or social commitments. It feels like I am running on a treadmill, wearing myself out, but not getting anywhere.

This is the time it is most important to be grateful. Without gratitude, I could forget all the good things I have going on and focus only on the negative and frustrating. Making the bad seem worse and the good seem insignificant.

When I am feeling least grateful is when I need to show the most gratitude, if only to keep myself afloat.

Happiness Series: 7 - To Be Happy: Prioritise Interpersonal Relationships

Happiness and Interpersonal Relationships

Studies show the clearest indicator of your overall life satisfaction and happiness depends on the quality of your interpersonal relationships.

Humans are not solitary animals. That is why isolation, exile and solitary have always been used as a form of punishment. Depriving any social species physical interaction with others of the same species is cruel. Be they pets or people.

People with strong community ties, healthy social networks and a large, involved family who socialize often live longer and happier lives. In contrast, people who feel isolated, people without social connections and family, have a higher rate of depression and suffer much higher rates of certain illnesses. They die younger and report being less happy with their lives.

This is a growing problem with men in particular, who often aren’t taught proper social skills and are discouraged from emotional connection with anyone but their spouse. If their spouse (who should not be their sole source of emotional support to begin with) leaves or dies, they don’t know how to form new bonds, or strengthen existing ones, and become increasingly isolated.


What Are Interpersonal Relationships

Interpersonal relationships are the relationships between yourself and your friends, partner, family, co-workers, church, communities and neighbors. Some will be chosen by birth, location or your job, some will be your choice and maintained at your will.

Ideally, we want as many of our interpersonal relationships to be good as possible. We want them to be friendly and relaxed. They can’t all be equally important or take up equal amounts of time.

However the more positive and sincere your interactions are with others, the healthier and happier you will be.


Why Don’t We Prioritize Other People?

So given how important relationships with others are to our well-being, how come we, as a society don’t put more importance on them?

Traditionally, interpersonal relationships were developed and maintained in two particular institutions. The home and the church. Families tended to live close together—it wasn’t as easy to move to the other side of the state, or world—so people tended to settle in the same town as their parents and cousins. Big family dinners are traditional in many cultures and are still maintained by some minority groups.

The church was the other main source of social interactions. Every Sunday, AT LEAST, everyone in the community would come together and talk. Church was a source, not just of spiritual guidance, but news and gossip. Even now, many people in strong Church communities rarely choose to socialize outside their church groups. And many modern churches aren’t just about the service. They have numerous social events and outings.

However if you aren’t in a church, or your church isn’t as socially focused, that isn’t an option. And if your family is spread all over the country, or world, huge weekend family BBQs aren’t an option.

Which means these two traditional institutions for social interaction are gone. We’re expected to make bonds and develop relationships on our own, despite there not being any real traditions in place for how this is achieved. And with society placing all its focus on romantic relationships above social ones. So much so, that some people fear interacting with others, lest it be seen as a romantic overture. Or worse, people—men in particular—who are so hard-coded to look for romance, they can no longer recognize friendly overtures.

It can be very hard to go against the grain and prioritize non-romantic friendships and relationships in a society that doesn’t value them—even if they are important to everyone’s well being.

We, in general, also tend to fall into the trap of believing the societal norm. Even though we are lonely, we think socializing should come second to our job, perhaps our hunt for a romantic partner, or even time alone to ‘decompress’.

But after working, trying to get a date and decompressing at home, there is no time for our friends. But, we promise ourselves, we’ll make time for that next week.


What Hurts Interpersonal Relationships?

The most harmful thing we can do to our interpersonal relationships is ignore them and not give them any time. Time is the most valuable resource we have. No matter how rich or poor we are, we all have the same number of seconds in a day (though the rich have more choice in how they spend them), so giving time to family and friends is the best way to show them we love and appreciate them.

To that end, stop spending time—your most precious resource—on things and people who you don’t love and who aren’t valuable to you.

We have to put effort into remembering the thing that are important to other people. Their birthdays, celebrating their achievements, being there for them when we know they are facing hard times. Make a note, not just of people’s birthdays and wedding anniversaries, but the dates of their kids birthdays and the dates of their parents deaths. Tell them you are thinking of them. If one of your friends is being published, message them to congratulate them on publication day.

These small things mean a lot to the person you are doing it for.

On the other hand, forgetting birthdays and other major life events and not making time for people is very damaging. You forgetting makes them sad and I am sure that is the last thing you want. So put that extra effort in and you will be glad you did.


What If Its Hard For Me to Form Interpersonal Relationships?

I have been chronically ill—regularly house bound—since 2008. And, usually, do to financial concerns, I have been forced to live out of town, usually an hour or more from most of my friends.

I understand the many, often insurmountable obstacles, that come with making and seeing friends. Money, health, distance, etc. I have been blessed that I have not suffered social anxiety as well, however that can be a huge factor in socialization. I know a lot of my friends struggle with it.

And everyone struggles with making time around other commitments—work, kids and everything in between.

Thank god for the internet. Sometimes people like to tout the internet as the killer of interpersonal relationships—but those people have clearly never been to ill to leave the house. The internet is the only lifeline many of us have to other people. Most of us would probably prefer quality, face to face interactions. But that doesn’t mean online friendships are less valid.

I have been friends with people for over 15 years now, who I talk to almost every day online. My friend Annie and I have been skyping (Or using MSN, back in the day), almost every single day for sixteen years now. Half our lives.

However online relationships can be fleeting and end abruptly. If you want to connect with a community online, consistency is the key. Touch base regularly, ask questions, remember the answers. Support one and other. Praise one and other’s accomplishments.

Sometimes though, online isn’t enough. Regardless of what your struggles are, its worth finding one or two local communities that you can become a regular part of. For me, it is Vision Writers and MCC church. Those are my communities, those are my social groups. I attend them both for the content of the group (writing and LGBT friendly faith) and the people I get to interact with.

It is worth making the time and saving the energy to connect with a community group a 1-4 times a month. Choose one that focuses on something you love—a hobby or cause—and find one with a positive, supportive culture and good, well-intentioned people.

Almost all of my close friends I met at groups like these. I wouldn’t give them up for the world.


How Can I Prioritize Interpersonal Relationships?

Some people are naturally very interested in the people around them. They remember birthdays and facts, they ask questions about people’s lives because they are interested and make them feel good because of their genuine love and fascination they feel toward their friends.

I am not one of those people.

Every year in January, I sit down with my new and old day planner and write in everyone’s birthdays. Because I would forget them all—even my own mother’s—if I didn’t. For those birthdays that are very important (like my mother) I put a reminder at least a week beforehand, so I remember to buy a gift.

On habitica, a daily habit tracking app, one of the daily items for me is ‘contact, compliment or improve someone’s day’. That way, at least once a day, I can use social media to reach out to someone and make them feel better. Hopefully. This also stops me from becoming a complete recluse.

Maybe you think you should just naturally be a good friend. Maybe you think its inauthentic to ‘plan’ to be nice to people like I do. I don’t think my friends mind though. I don’t say to them: ‘you were on my to do list for the day’. I hope they feel genuinely loved and appreciated, even though I might have needed a reminder to be nice.

After all, I chose to be nice to them, not one of the thousand other people I know. So hopefully they realize I love them and they are special to me. If you need a system in place to remind you to make time for people, implement it.

Making people feel loved and appreciated is more important than your ego. And if you are worried about the morality of planning to be nice, you are putting your ego first.

Another really useful tool, is to have a list of priorities in your life. I’ve talked about this in my time series, here (http://traditionalevolution.blogspot.com/2016/09/time-please-sir-can-i-have-some-more.html). Make a list of all the things in your life and be honest about where they rank… and where you want them to rank.

Then, when you are making decisions about what to do next, refer to your priority list. If you have made a vow to yourself you will spend more time with your kids and less on checking your emails at home, then next time your kids ask you to play while you are checking work emails, shut down the computer and GO PLAY WITH THEM.


Moving Forward

Next week we are going to look at another very important relationship. You relationship with the one person you are stuck with, from birth, right through to death. The one person you have to live with, every moment of every day.

Yourself.


Jake, In Summary

I am blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people. This is, in part, because I don’t compromise on my values. I’m not afraid to lose someone, if I find their values are contrary to my own. In short, none of my friends are bigots or assholes, because I don’t choose to tolerate bigots and assholes.

There are so many people in the world. Seven billion of them. So I know there is always someone better—another awesome friend to be made—just around the corner. If you grew up in the same place, and still know the same people from primary school, this can be harder to believe, and giving up the friends you have a  bit scarier.

My health has made it impossible to be the sort of friend I wish I could be. Though as I get healthier, it is something I am working on. I’m trying to be the sort of friend I always wish I could be. And a big project for me, going forward, is becoming further entrenched in the communities I have chosen to be a part of. Church, writer’s groups, my friends and other communities, online and off.

When I was ill, I was always a bit ashamed to socialize with people. Too aware of my own limits. Now I am improving, but out as trans, being out in public can be a bit of a hassle. But if you have been wanting to meet me for coffee, now is the time to suggest it. Particularly if you are willing to meet me half way, at Chermside.

As much as possible, for the next year and beyond, I will be working on improving friendships and relationships and hopefully, that means seeing more of you.

Happiness Series: 6 - To Be Happy: Learn Grattitude

We Tend To Remember Bad, More Than Good
Our brains are hardwired to remember bad things, rather than good things. It was much more important for primitive man to remember there was a bear living in a cave, than to remember there was also pretty flowers growing there.

Remembering negative experiences protects us from danger. And thus it is an evolutionary prerogative. Having the luxury to worry about being happy is a very modern concept. However as we don’t have to grow and kill all our own food, we have medicine and we have dealt with most of the dangers primitive man faced, we, as a species, have reached self actualization and happiness on the ‘to do’ list.

But what that means is, even if good and bad things happened to us in equal measure, we would still think more BAD things happened. Because those memories remain at the forefront and the better memories are quietly erased as irrelevant.


Choose To Remember Good Things

In order to really appreciate the true level of good in our lives, we have to make a conscious choice to do so. However since our brains don’t, and possibly, can’t do it on their own, we need to have some sort of system in place to help us.

If you are going to be happy, you have to appreciate the good things in our lives. And the easiest way to do that, is by showing gratitude.

I think gratitude is one of those things that some people roll their eyes at. It feels new age and a bit neon Christian. It makes us thinks of 20-something women in pastels with really popular instagrams. Well, that’s what it makes me think of.

However its actually a rather old, rather traditional, rather cultural ideal packaged up in a new wave of enthusiasm. Its the modern version of saying grace before meals, and prayers before bedtimes. It is something our grandparents and great grandparents were familiar with.

Most people will say it goes back to the bible, when Jesus gave thanks to God before meals. However it is much older than that. Many native tribes from all over the world gave thanks—usually to the spirits of the animals they killed—before eating. Gratitude, may be almost as old as language itself.


Gratitude Really Works

In my experience, and in the reported experiences of many women in their 20s with popular instagrams, gratitude works. This is also backed up by a few sociological studies, though I am not going to link to any of them here. There are lots of books you can read on happiness, if you want to know more about the science. Email me if you want recommendations.

Remember the important thing about showing gratitude is making you happy. Its about remembering all the good things and people that surround you every day, so you can really appreciate them.

In my experience, it takes a week or two of daily gratitude lists, before it really starts having a positive effect. At first I was making myself write three things I was grateful for each day, and trying not to repeat ones I had used before. I used an app on my phone called Zest for this. These days, I quickly open zest when I wake up in the morning and I usually write 8-10 things I am grateful for, not because I think I should, but because it feels so good to do it.


But What Should I Be Grateful For?

For the longest time, I had no idea how to be grateful. I didn’t know what to be grateful for. I was at a complete loss. I tried to be happy when good things happened, but they felt few and far between, which left me with few things to be grateful for on a day to day basis.

Then, one life changing day, a pastor at my church was talking about gratitude. Specifically, giving thanks to God. He said: “If everything you didn’t give thanks for today, would be gone forever tomorrow, what would you be grateful for?”

Suddenly, there were hundreds of things I was grateful for. Thousands. Suddenly, I could have spent all day doing nothing but reciting the things I am grateful for in an OCD panic that if I didn’t I would lose them forever.

Thankfully life doesn’t actually work like that, and even if you aren’t grateful for things, they tend to stick around. However it did teach me what to be grateful for. Everything I don’t want to lose.


Ways To Show Gratitude To Others

Say thank you. Literally tell people you are grateful for them. I used to feel silly telling people I really appreciated their efforts on my behalf. In fact, I think my pride stung when I had to do it. I felt like I should have been able to do everything alone.

However maybe you can do everything alone, that doesn’t mean you are. And as long as your gratitude is sincere and not over the top, most people will feel fantastic when you thank them.

Saying thank you doesn’t have to be a ten page letter. It doesn’t even have to be a one page letter. A few sentences are enough. You want to make someone happy, not take up an hour of their time.

‘Hey, I just wanted you to know I really appreciated you coming to bat for me yesterday. I’m so glad I have friends like you on my side. Let me know if I can ever return the favor. Jake.’

That’s all you need to say.


Ways To Track Gratitude For Yourself

Due to the popularity of gratitude in a whole range of circles, there are a lot of apps, specialized notebooks, and tools out there to help you track your gratitude. Just search gratitude tracker in the google play store on you phone and you will find a whole list to choose from.

If you prefer a more old-school approach, you could have a pretty notebook that you record 3-12 things you are grateful for every day. Some people like to write down good things that happen, along with things they are grateful for, and place them in a jar, so they can get them all out at the end of the year and read through them.

If you are religious, a daily prayer book would be a fantastic place to expand on your gratitude each day.

Where and how is up to you, there are literally thousands of options. Keep looking until you find one that suits your needs. You mind find you need an alarm on your phone to remind you every day, or maybe you want to leave your gratitude journal with your medication so you do both at the same time.

However I think if you commit to recording at least three things you are grateful for every single day for three weeks, you will start to notice a difference. Give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen?


Moving Forward

Next week, we are going to be looking at interpersonal relationships. Unsurprisingly, studies repeatedly show that interpersonal relationships have the single greatest impact on our happiness. People with good interpersonal relationships and a strong community live longer, are happier and are generally better off.

So next week I want to look at how to strengthen current interpersonal relationships and forge new ones. I want to look at the barriers many of us face when it comes to socialization and building relationships and I want to give you all some ideas for how to improve yours.


Jake, In Summary

I got into gratitude about 18 months ago and it really transformed my life. I have two main ways of tracking gratitude. First I use the app ‘Zest’ on my phone. Second, every day I write two pages in my prayer book, most of which is giving thanks for the things I have.

I am still working on showing gratitude to the people around me. I like to think I remember to say thank you to people, but unsolicited praise is still something I have to think about. It doesn’t come automatically. However when I do give unsolicited praise and gratitude, I find it greatly strengthens my relationships with people, making both me, and them, feel better.

The most profound difference for me, particularly since I started writing the two pages in my prayer book every day, has been a huge decrease in stress levels. The more I am grateful for what I have, the more time I take REMINDING myself of all the good things I have, the less stressed I am.

It becomes a constant stream of good news. And things that would have made me angry or stressed don’t anymore. Like when my dog pees on the veranda. Something that used to put me in a bad mood all day. Now I am glad to have him and make more time to play with him and pet him, because I am always being reminded how wonderful it is to have him with me.

As someone who is instinctively always planning for the worse, I think showing conscious gratitude has had the single greatest positive impact on my happiness. So I hope you will give it a try.