Jake Talks About Lists Again

Obsessive Compulsive Meets Organisation

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a deep and unhealthy passion for lists. List are life. Lists are love. People also know I am painfully organised. My house is tidy, my days are ordered. And as a result, I am very productive.

This blog post is going to be an insight into how I organise my life and, there are no surprises, its mostly lists. Lists make me happy. They make me content. And I find crossing things off lists to be very enjoyable indeed.

This post is not a suggestion for how you should organise your life. Rather, its just an entertaining insight into me and my system. In fact, I suspect my system wouldn’t suit anyone else, and if it was forced onto someone, they would probably go crazy.

Still, maybe something here will inspire you, or solve a problem you have been grappling with. At the very least, it will give you an entertaining peep into my brain.

Journal

My journal is for my thoughts, my memories and my feelings. It is an exercise in mental health. I put down the good and the bad here, both so I can let it go, and so I can process and analyse what is happening in my life. It helps me make plans, analyse my problems and explore my feelings. I have had dozens of epiphanies writing in my journal. I would say putting myself on paper has changed the course of my life for the better.

I go through a lot of these. On average, one hardback, lined journal every two months. That's about six a year. I do a lot of thinking. And a lot of talking to myself! Some days, I can write 10-15 pages, though the average is closer to 3 pages. That's not to say I journal every single day, but I do make the time a few days a week.

If you are stressed, feeling lost, feeling frustrated, unhappy with your life, or just trying to step your life up to the next level, I strongly recommend journaling. Getting all your thoughts down on paper makes a huge difference. I don't see any point in imposing any rules on yourself. I will say, my favourite time to write is early on rainy mornings, either out on my back deck or in bed—depending on how windy it is.

Either way, even when I am stressed, journaling is a relief, if not a joy. It’s a way of letting go and taking time to get to know myself. It’s the one time I can be 100% honest, knowing I can't be judged. And that is a rare pleasure indeed.

Day Planner

This is for my practical, every day 'to do' list. It keeps my house running, and makes sure I get to appointments and pay bills on time. It is a tool and the workhorse of my productivity. There is nothing poetic or creative about it.

Everything else on this list makes me feel good, or makes me more productive, or cares for my mental health. However, my day planner is vital. Without it, my life would be in complete shambles. Because when I am very ill, I can't remember anything, and because my day planner tracks my medication and if my pets have been fed, my day planner may actually actively keep me and my pets alive.

I actually don't know how people function without a day planner. I can't even imagine it.

What is really important to me, is that my day planner has a full page for every day. Its very frustrating for me when Saturday and Sunday are sharing a page, since my weekends aren't less busy than my week days. When choosing a day planner, think about how your week is structured and spend the time hunting for a planner than suits you. You might even find a digital planner suits you better, but I will stick to my physical book and pens.

Bujo

My bujo is part goals, part inspiration, part monthly plan. I don’t bujo exactly the same as other people—though anyone who insists on bujo 'rules' is just a killjoy. My Bujo is a gorgeous Paperblank hardcover notebook with blank pages. I keep it yearly, so each bujo covers a whole year of my life. It is used to track my yearly goals and projects, which are then further broken down into monthly sections. I include a lot of lists and checklists. Including, but not limited to, places to visit, saving and finance, books I have read, books I want to write, blog post planning, weight and fitness tracking, birthdays of friends and family, wish lists, planting and harvesting guides for my garden, career goals and milestones, & personal goals and milestones.

My bujo is also decorated with stickers, washi tape and hand drawn art. Its not just about tracking, its about inspiring, so its important to me that it looks good. Working on it is a great joy for me, an artistic process and something I do when I want to relax and do something creative.

Bujo is a fantastic hobby for people who love lists and art. Just keep in mind it should be enjoyable. Too many people I see put pressure on themselves to make it 'perfect', or they put such high expectations on themselves that they fall behind in bujo maintenance then are too despondent to catch up again.

I started working on my 2019 bujo in August, planning out the pages I wanted and then the order I wanted them in. I pencilled in the title and page numbers very lightly and over October/November/December I will do the penning and taping for many of the pages—since I am going to be very busy with a baby early in the year, I am hoping to get at least six months prepared in advance.

Often, I will set up pages at the start of the year, then only decorate them as the year progresses. Even if I have finished with them. That's okay too. Bujos are about function and enjoyment. Its not an art competition.

Prayer Book

Every day, instead of praying out loud, I write in my prayer book. These prayers are usually in the form of giving thanks, asking for guidance and asking for God to act on behalf of the people around me who may be struggling.

If you aren't religious, the equivalent would be a gratitude journal, with letters to loved ones.

Personally, my prayer book has a hugely positive impact on my mental health. It teaches me to stop trying to control everything in my life and not obsess quite so much. Its also nice to look back through the pages and see how many of my prayers were answered, and how many things I was worried about that turned out okay.

Obviously, for me, as a Christian, it is a deeply personal connection with my faith. Its not really something I would recommend for others, unless the idea brings you joy and excitement. Its not going to make you more organised, either way!

Business and Writing Plan

This is my only digital file. I keep it in scrivener and it is broken into several parts.

Website

Social Media & Promotion

Novel Length Projects

Shorts and Novella Length Projects

Vision Writers

Non-Career Items

These are straight up lists of things I need to do, broken down into manageable/practical steps that can be added, one at a time, to my day planner.

In the Writing Plan, a novel might look something like this:

TITLE – First Draft

TITLE – Second Draft

TITLE – Feedback and Beta Readers

TITLE – Third Draft

TITLE – Synopsis and Query

TITLE – Submit to Agents

In my day planner, I might put 'Title – First Draft' down a my primary goal for several months, while I write it. But once it is done, it gets crossed off in the Writing Plan and the next day, the primary item in my day planner is 'Title – Second Draft'. And plodding along in that manner keeps me productive and on track.

In each section, Website, Vision, Novels, etc, everything is listed in the order I want to complete them. So, I always know that, in each section, I work from top to bottom to achieve my goals. There is, however, a LOT of things in this file. Probably enough work for at least the next five years, if not the next ten. And that's okay. Its fantastic to have a clear idea of where I am going.

None of it is set in stone, I can review and change it whenever I like. Things get moved around a lot—just not in mid project. Once I start, I commit to finishing.

Conclusion

There you go! Insight into the way I track and organise my life. Inspiring? Terrifying? You tell me. The important thing is, I have a system that works with my life. Whatever you do, you need the same.

And stay tuned, the newsletter, synopsis series and new website is coming! I promise.

Happiness Series: 16 - Happiness Exercise 6: What Didn't You Include?

Do You Want To Abandon Your Life And Start Over?

Do you look around and just feel overwhelmed by all your stuff and responsibilities and commitment and just want to abandon it all and go on holiday or even buy a van, change your name and never look back?

Do you ever look at some of the things that surround you and feel guilty and overwhelmed? Do you feel like that about the things you do with your time? Like you don’t want to examine them too closely, because thinking about it feels bad?

You’re not supposed to feel like that. You’re not supposed to want a holiday from your life. Avoiding most aspects of your life because they hurt to think about is not healthy and it shouldn’t be normal.

It doesn’t have to be normal.


What Don’t You Want?

Now you’ve done a few exercises examining all the wonderful things you do want in your life, it should be clearer to you what doesn’t fit. What you no longer need or have time for.

Now is the time to clean out your closet of all the bad decisions and dead fashions that aren’t you anymore (and limit what you bring back in! Clothes waste is a massive issue.), clean out the gadgets and appliances that don’t work or that you never use, either take all the clean laundry off the exercise equipment and move it somewhere you will use it, or sell it. All that junk in your garage you haven’t been able to get to, let alone use in three years? Do you even know what it is? Can it really be that important? Read ‘The Magic Art of Tidying Up’ by Marie Kondo and purge all of that useless shit.

What about the time wasters? The websites and apps you would prefer not to go on, but always end up at? Delete them. Use browsers apps to block or limit them. You can set up blockers so you can only access facebook or twitter for a set amount of time each day. Do it. Free yourself.

What about the people? Who have you decided to take a break from? Who stresses you out? Regardless of how much you love them, who would you be happier without?

What about those niggling things you’ve been meaning to do that just sit around unfinished. They’re not negative, exactly, they’re not hurting you, but when you remember them, they give you a negative feeling. Frustration, guilt, etc. Maybe some things you have been meaning to donate or sell? Little household repairs and chores that have been waiting for months? The random detritus that slips between the cracks of day to day life?

What about the bad things that are a part of good things? Like, maybe you love your job, but you wish you had a shorter commute? Maybe you love the suburb you live in, but wish you had a garden instead of just a balcony.

What tasks do you wish you could outsource? What tasks do you wish you could find a more efficient way of getting done?

What about things in YOU you don’t want? Mental and physical health issues? Feelings, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, negative thought patterns, bad habits, etc. Do you want to be less angry? Snap at the kids less? Get fitter? Do something about your dry skin? Get rid of your boring haircut? Stop feeling like you have no idea what you’re doing when putting on make up? Stop procrastinating? Let go of those off-putting thoughts that stop you finishing your novel?

Now you’ve had some time to think about it, its time to make a list.


Exercise: The Do Not Want Pile:

Open up a word document (or Scrivener, or whatever you prefer, but its better to do this computer than on paper) and start writing a list. List all the things that are currently in your life that you don’t want.

You might want to break it into categories:

- Self/Personal/Internal
- Objects/Things/Possessions
- Tasks/Responsibilities
- Unfinished Jobs/Repairs
- People
- Time Wasters
- Miscellaneous

Under those headings, put in every single thing you can think of. Everything you would wish away, if there were no consequences. Everything you could fix, heal, mend, remove, cleanse and complete.

Once you have listed every single thing there is that makes your life hard, unpleasant or difficult, you are going to go through and look at each item. You are going to come up with a question that will help you come up with a strategy to fix this problem once and for all.

Some things will be easy. Lets say you have a huge collection of clothes you don’t want, or that don’t fit you anymore. Your question might be: “How can I get rid of all these unwanted clothes?”

The answer is probably pretty straight forward. You sort out the ones you don’t want, then sell or donate them. You could probably do it all in a single afternoon.

Sometimes, you might have to get creative. Maybe you hate your commute and you think: ‘I can’t do anything about that, I love my job, I can’t quit.’

However you could move house if you are renting. You could stay with the same company, but move to a closer branch, you could find a way you can work some days from home, you could car pool with others, so at least you aren’t always the one driving, you could catch public transport, so you can read, write or play video games during the commute. You could start using the time you commute by listening to audio books or using dictation to write a novel, and that alone might turn it from something you hate into something you look forward to.

The right question can make a world of difference to the answer, and thus, the solution. Get creative, go through you list. If you can’t find an answer that solves or at least improves the problem, ASK A DIFFERENT QUESTION. Keep asking questions until you find the right question. The right question will give you the right answer.

When you have gone through the entire list, and you have questions and solutions or improvements to every single problem, you come to the third part of the exercise.

You need to plan how you are going to start to IMPLEMENT all those great ideas.

Hopefully some of them (like clothes sorting and small home repairs) you can implement very quickly and easily. You might want to aim to do one a day, for a few weeks, until all the easy stuff is done. It will give you a great sense of achievement and make a huge difference in your day to day living.

Some things might be huge and require months of work and planning, but they will be worth it in the long run: moving house, for example. Or finding a new job. Or any other big life changing changes that will have a huge impact on your long term health and happiness.

Many things will require sustained effort to have their desired benefits. EG: new exercise or eating plans, changes to behavior and personal development. That’s okay. Small steps every day will add up over the long term and you will be so happy you started taking those steps toward the life you want.

However you can’t make those changes without a plan. You wouldn’t just buy a block of land and start building, would you? No, you’d design the house first! Get council approval. Buy all the supplies you needed. Get insurance.

The more you prepared and set up plans to deal with problems, the less likely you are to fail. So plan. Organize. Then have a wonderful life.


Moving Forward

Next week is the final post in this series! I really hope it has made some small difference to your life. I have loved writing it. Its very long though, so I am also excited to finish it and move on to new topics!

So tune in next week for our summaries and goodbyes to the Happiness Series.


Jake, In Summary:

This making a list of things that make me unhappy and making solutions has been something I have done for years. I call it the ‘Things Stressing Jake List’ and I like to check in on it once a month or so. I delete the things I have fixed, and I add new problems as the arise or as I become aware of them.

For me, one of the really therapeutic parts is knowing ALL my problems are written down, and there are solutions ready. I don’t have to keep thinking about them, the computer will remember them for me.

This lets me focus on one thing at a time, and greatly improves my quality of life.

I hope it does the same for you, let me know. I’m always happy to hear from you!

Happiness Series: 15 - Happiness Exercise 5: Your Perfect Week

The Perfect Week

These exercises can be a bit of a double edged sword. I love them, and they help me a lot. However there is a way to do them very badly. We all know comparison is the key to unhappiness, so when you do these exercises, you have to prime yourself to focus on the right things.

If you find yourself comparing what you want, to what you have, and feeling a sense of despair, then you’re hurting yourself, not helping yourself.

However the first time I did this exercise, I realized a lot of the things I wanted to be doing, I could already do. Things like gardening more, learning an instrument and doing more art. They were things I kept putting off until ‘everything else in my life was under control’. But there was no reason to put them off, and honestly, my idea of ‘under control’ is usually me working more and more.

So remember, the goal of these exercises is not to compare what you want to what you have and feel bad. Its to look at all the ways you can make what you already have a bit more like what you want.


Your Perfect Working Day

When I first heard about this exercise, the instructions were to imagine that money wasn’t a factor, but you still had to work. You were to design your house and workspaces, as if you had unlimited funds. And you could pick any career you wanted.

There are two glaring problems with this. Firstly, what you want may be so far from what you have, it could be depressing. And secondly, you might imagine a career you don’t have is fantastic, while if you actually tried it, you might hate it.

I’m going to let you decide how big you want to dream. Its really not about the size of the dream, or how different it is. Its about the details and the things you want, and how you can bring those into your current life without winning the lottery.

Lets imagine, very quickly, that you say your perfect working day is working on a luxury yacht, that you own, surrounded by models. How could you bring that into your life? You could start taking your laptop to the wharf, to be around the ocean and the boats. And you could take lessons to drive a boat. However you might find you hate the sun, hate the sounds of seagulls, hate the smell of brine and get seasick when you try and drive a boat. What about the models? Well, quite frankly, I’ve never found anyone who wants to be surrounded by models who really understands what its like to be surrounded by 10 bored, hungry young women all day.

So if you don’t really want to be on a yacht surrounded by models, what did you want? Probably to feel rich and adored. You’re more likely to feel rich and adored if you 1) work out your finances and set up a fantastic system of savings and investments and 2) work on cultivating stronger friendships and relationship skills.

So, with all that in mind, on to the exercise.

I want you to write out your perfect working day. From the instant you open your eyes in the morning, to the instant you close them in the evening. What sort of work are you doing? What are the nitty-gritty details of that kind of work? What sort of breakfast do you eat? Lunch? Dinner? What is your recreation time like? What is your workspace like? What is your house like? What are your interactions with family and friends like? Who do you interact with as part of your work? What are those interactions like? Do you work alone or in a team? What is your boss like? Do you even have a boss? What is your commute like?

Aim to make this as detailed as possible, a few pages long at least.

Now, I want you to sit down and really think about how you can make your dream and reality closer together. If you really hate cleaning, can you find $80 a week to have a cleaner come twice, for a few hours? Is it worth it to get that time back? If you hate cooking, can you get all your food through a meal delivery service? If you imagine your houses is minimalist and tidy, can you do a purge of your possessions and set things up the way you dream? You might not be able to move into a mansion (or a cabin 100’s of kms from civilisation), but you CAN take steps to bring the day to day minutia of your life closer to what you wish it was.


Your Week Divided

This exercise was only introduced to me recently, but it made me feel a lot more relaxed and in control of my time.

We tend to think of what we need to do on a day by day basis. We try and cram a lot into every day, because we have a lot of things we are interested in and want to do. But you can’t do everything in a day.

However you probably can do everything in a week. There are 168 hours in a week. If you sleep eight hours a night, which you should, you take away 56 hours and leave yourself with 112 hours.

For this exercise, I want you to take this 112 hours and work out how much time you want to spend on things over the course of a week. For example, if you are a writer, how many thousand words do you want to write in a week? How long does it take you to write that? That’s your weekly writing chunk.

In my case, I wanted to write 10k, which takes me about 7 hours. So if I do 5k on Monday, then 2.5k each on Wednesday and Thursday, I have reached my writing goal for the week. So instead of writing every day, I now have four whole days I can devote to other things.

Don’t forget basic things, like eating, cleaning, commuting and basic hygiene. And don’t think you can fill every second of every day with productivity. Leave some down time for TV, reading or whatever you do when you are exhausted.


Your Perfect Working Week

In truth, exercise one and two were preparing us for this! This is the big one, that will probably take a few hours, or even a few days, to complete. Its very similar to the first one, however instead of a single, perfect day, you are going to map out an entire week. And, if like me, your perfect working day was about 2000 words, then your entire perfect week is going to run somewhere around the 10k to 14k mark.

Don’t feel bad if yours isn’t that long. We all know I am a bit… obsessive. Still, if it isn’t up around 5k, I’d be suspicious you were skipping over some details.

Using your week divided exercise, and your perfect working day exercise, map out an entire perfect working week, including your days off. From the instant you open your eyes, to when you close them, on all seven days.

This is going to show you what you wish you were making time for, and the things that aren’t in your perfect week, are going to show you what you need to cut out of your life.

If you have a long commute, and hate it, its time to start job searching closer to home. Don’t quit before you find a new job, wait until you find the perfect job, or you could end up desperate and with a longer commute. If finding a perfect job means doing some courses and updating your resume, do that first.

If spending 4 hours a day on social media isn’t on your list, then its time to uninstall those social media apps on your phone, and put blockers on your browser, so you can only access them for 1 hour a day. Or less.

DO THE THINGS YOU THINK WILL MAKE YOUR HAPPIER.

No excuses, no guilt. Do them. See if you can actually organize your perfect week. Start to finish, see if you can line it all up so you can actually live it. What was as good as you thought it was going to be? What was better? What was less good?


Moving Forward

Next week, we’re going to talk about the things that are part of your life, that you didn’t include in this exercise. Sometimes what we choose to discard is even more important that what we choose to keep.

Only two more weeks of happiness project to go!


Jake, In Summary:

I love these exercises. I probably re-do them about once a year, and I love looking back through the old versions to see what has changed, how my goals have shifted, and what has stayed the same. I find the consistency very reassuring.

One of the things I find hard, I suppose, is that there is a few things in my life that could be very different, but where I would be equally happy. Do I write a version of the perfect week where I am engaged? Where I am married with kids? Or do I continue to write them for myself while I am single? I am equally happy with all three of these scenarios, though they each look very different.

As most of you know, in February I will have a new little person under my care. I would like to do a new perfect working week for next year, but its a bit hard. I am sure whatever I am imagining being a dad is like, reality will be quite different! I can’t plan a week by ‘guessing’ how much time he will take up—because no one will know until he is here.

The one thing I do know is I want to get a yearly pass to Australia Zoo and take him a few times a month. I also want to talk him on bushwalks and to the beach. I am looking forward to these little adventures, and to showing him the world. So any new plan will involve those things.

How about you? Want to come to the zoo with me? Or are you too busy with a whole new, very exciting plan for your life?

Happiness Series: 14 - Happiness Exercise 4: Relationship Exercises

Romantic Relationships

In modern days, romantic relationships are more important than they have ever been. The social and family networks we used to rely on are fading out. Community is giving way to friends we see once a week, or once a fortnight. Our romantic partner can easily become our primary support network in every aspect of our life.

Honestly, I think this is a huge problem. Particularly for men, who are often now in a position where the only physical contact and support they can receive is a romantic partner. Its not fair to expect your wife to do all that emotional labor. Get friends you can hug and talk to, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, my personal feelings on toxic masculinity aside, your romantic partner is often you partner in every way. Financial, parental, they help you with problems, be they logistical or emotional, you are tethered together in every way people can be.

So it is important to have a healthy, happy, successful romantic relationship.


How To Fix What You Have

Maybe last week you did the exercise and you realized you aren’t in the relationship you want to be in. Maybe your partner doesn’t meet your needs and you’re wondering if there is something, or someone, out there who is better.

I’m not here to end relationships. I am here to strengthen the good ones, to make them better. So before you make a decision, I want you to do something for me… and, for you.

You want thinks from your partner you aren’t getting. I want you to think really hard about the things they want from you they aren’t getting. Would they like you to be happier? More attentive? Sexier? More helpful around the house?

For two months, I want you to throw EVERYTHING YOU HAVE into being the best partner you can be. No nagging, no arguing, be an enthusiastic, welcoming, giving lover, do more than your share of the housework, let them have their way, be considerate, give everything you have to being THEIR perfect partner. No matter how they act, no matter how little appreciation they show. Give them the best two months of their entire lives.

That is the exercise, but to facilitate it, take a moment to write down your goals for those two months. Make a list of all the things you think your partner wishes you did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say, then make a game plan for how you are going to avoid those things. EG:

‘Ravi hates it when I nag about dirty clothes on the floor, when I see clothes on the floor, even if they aren’t mine, I will just put them in the wash basket and say nothing.’
If at the end of two months, they haven’t changed, you can make the decision to end it. But don’t make that call before you have given 100%, until you have down everything in your power to meet THEIR needs, so they can meet yours.

This is a great exercise, even if you are in a happy relationship. You might find you can be in an even better one, with just a little more effort, love and understanding.

(And if it still isn’t working out, well, don’t be afraid. You have just proved how awesome you can be to a partner, how much you have to give when you really put the effort in, and now you can find someone willing to put in the same.)


How To Find What You’re Looking For

Maybe you are single. Maybe you don’t want to be single. Maybe you are struggling to find the sort of relationship you want to be in. If this is the case, I believe there are three possible reasons for this.

1. You aren’t prioritizing dating, time wise.
2. You are dismissing people before getting to know them.
3. You are presenting yourself very poorly.

Lets talk about 1. If you are bemoaning not being able to meet someone, but you haven’t gone anywhere it would be possible for you to meet anyone that week, you’re a moron. Its like complaining you didn’t win a prize when you didn’t enter the competition.

Personally, I am not a huge fan of online dating. The pros are that everyone is looking for a date, so it would SEEM you are talking to more eligible people than, say, at a party where most people may already be married. However people are hard to read online. There is very little information, so we tend to place too high of a value on the information at hand. Maybe you want someone who loves dogs, but not every dog lover is going to put it on their profile. They might fear it is a turn off. Or, someone who says they love dogs might just be trying to look more friendly. However if you are out with someone and they point out every damn dog and talk about their dog and show you a photo of their dog, they probably like dogs.

Plus, body language is important. Confidence, openness, expressions, interest, or lack their of in what you as saying. None of this can be assessed online.

So if you spent two hours swiping on tinder, don’t tell me you spent two hours trying to meet people. It doesn’t count.

You are better going to events and, *gasp* talking to people. There are thousands of things you can attend, often for free, where there are like minded people. Rallies, music festivals, food markets, dog walks, church, art events, book launches, exercise classes, choirs, dancing classes, library events and classes, sporting groups, friend’s parties, etc, etc.

The trick is, not just to talk to people you think are hot. Talk to everyone, make friends, connect. Please just connect.

Exercise: Commit to spending X number of hours a week meeting new people. Use those hours in situations where you can meet and talk to people face to face. If you don’t make conversation with new people at those events, you don’t get to count them toward your hours for the week. And when deciding on the number of hours, make sure it reflects how important you SAY finding a partner is. If it is your number one priority, I expect you to put in 10+ hours a week, not two.

Back to the list, 2. You are dismissing people too quickly. It takes time to get to know someone. Hopefully, if you met someone at a class or group, you can keep meeting them there. But if you go on a date with someone, and it didn’t go well, they might have been super nervous. If someone was a bit dull, give them a few more chances. Let them come out of their shell.

Exercise: Get to know people, don’t just compare them to some mythical person in your head, then decide they’re not close enough and move on. If they aren’t a creep, and are interested in you, give them at least three dates to prove themselves.

And number 3, you’re coming across poorly. This could be a lot of things, from how you dress and your personal grooming, to the things you talk about, or it could be your body language (no one is attracted to anxious, needy or insecure body language).

If you think: “Well, people should like me for me!” but you have pit stains and bad breath…..no, no they shouldn’t. Its disrespectful to show up looking like a slob. Its also disrespectful to bore the other person stupid talking about yourself for an hour.

Exercise: Identify your weaknesses. If you can find someone of the gender you want to date who is willing to be very honest, they may be able to give you a list of your flaws. DO NOT ask someone you are attracted to, the blow to your ego will take a long time to heal. Look for the sort of person you want to date, and listen (genuinely listen) when they describe the sort of things they want in a partner.

PRO TIP: Its not as much about looks or money as you think. Men tend to want people who are kind, fun, generous and who think they are sexy. Women tend to look for people who are confident, kind, fun, generous and who treat them with respect. Ask yourself how you can demonstrate those traits with your actions. Don’t be that idiot who goes around trying to tell people how ‘nice’ or ‘smart’ you are. No one believes you.

Exercise: When you have identified your weaknesses, go on youtube, and learn about personal grooming and fashion. Go on youtube and learn how to be a more interesting, engaging conversationalist. Go to acting classes and toastmasters to learn how to have more confidence. There is no single thing on the planet that you can’t be taught if you are willing to put the effort in. You are never going to be happy or find someone by moaning.

Stop bitching and improve.


Family Relationships

This is the hardest one of all. We can’t choose family. They are family regardless of if we estrange ourselves. And, often, that fact seems to make some people think they are entitled to things from you, and that they should be able to act however they like and still be forgiven.

Oddly, we often don’t want to be vulnerable to family. We don’t want to tell them how we feel—we expect them to know. Sometimes the solution to family problems is communication.

Exercise:
1. Make a list of the problems you have with family, big to small.
2. Write down how those behaviors or words make you feel.
3. Craft a short, self focused statement you can say the next time it comes up, that explains how it makes you feel. Try and use ‘I’ statements and don’t accuse or go on too long. Say something like: “When people make jokes about my weight, it makes me feel very sad. Often I go home and I cry about it. It makes me not want to socialize.”
Likely, they will say something in their defense, like: “I just say it because I’m worried about your health.”
Stick with the same accusing tone and self focus: “I don’t feel motivated when I hear those things, I just feel sad and hurt and unloved.”

Then, once you have expressed those feelings, it may be best to walk away, distance yourself and give them time to think about it. Don’t lash out, stay calm, be honest. You may have to have this conversation several times with the same person. If they mock you, or are intentionally cruel, it may be worth estranging yourself from that person permanently. However its worth being vulnerable first. You don’t loose anything, it doesn’t make you weak—sharing your feelings makes you strong, and braver than them.


Friends And Connections

Friends can be the best thing that happened to us, or the worst. Friendship is dangerously devalued in our society. Divorce is seen as a life-changing, devastation, but you could end a twenty year friendship and have people shrug and changed the conversation.

Friendships can have the same problems as romantic relationships—friends can abuse you, hurt you, betray you, damage you—just as deeply as a romantic partner. They can also lift you up, support you, and be as important to you as a romantic partner.

The difference between friends and partners or family, is you can have lots of friends, you can make new friends all the time, and you can often adjust the intensity of friendships, leaning in or pulling back as life dictates.

Friends should be a lot more important than they are. Your friends should be the bulk of your emotional support, possibly even your physical contact. Spreading your emotional needs over many people, takes pressure off your partner and kids to be sole support for your needs.

So it is important we have good friends, and it is much MORE important that we ARE good friends.

Exercise:
1. Write down ten traits you want your close friends to have. (EG: Loves animals, believes in equality for everyone, loves books, kind, relaxed, passionate, supportive)
2. Write down ten traits you want to have as a friend to others.
3. Write down at least two ways you can demonstrate each trait to your friends.
4. Add all your close friends birthdays to your yearly planner, and stop relying on facebook to remind you.
5. Write down ten ways you can be a better friend to your friends. You might get some ideas from the demonstrating trait’s list.
6. Look objectively at your close friends and identify the friendships that are doing you harm. The friendships you are putting all the work into. The friendships you are chasing, with no reciprocation. The friendships where you are being dragged into drama and bad behavior you don’t want to be part of. First, stop chasing people who aren’t willing to put the same effort into you. Secondly, think about how to disengage from the bad behaviors. If a friend always wants to drink and you end up doing things you regret with them, see if you can arrange to do non drinking things, like going to the beach. Or if a friend is constantly negative, tell them you love them and you think they are great, but you don’t want to engage in negativity and gently prompt them to talk about positive things around you.
7. If you realize all your friends are toxic and ditch them all, go out on a mission to find the sort of friends who have the traits you want in a friend. Be the friend you want to be with them. Enjoy new, awesome friendships!


Moving Forward

Wow, that was a long post. Are you still here, reading this? I am so impressed with you! Next week we’re going to talk about the perfect week. Its an exercise I love talking about, and I hope you love reading about it.


Jake, In Summary:

A few years ago I realize I had let myself focus on toxic friendships. This was mostly because I was so ill, I thought I had to be friends with whoever would tolerate me. Some of them had to go, and some of them had to change.

I stopped chasing people who didn’t care about me. (If I stopped messaging you all the time, now you know why. Shoulda picked up the damn phone, peeps.) I addressed some problems, and I let some people go entirely.

There were, of course, lots of friendships that remained untouched. I have a lot of awesome people in my life. But what really surprised me, was when I cut out the bad stuff, so much good stuff flowed in. I thought making new friends would be hard, but over the past two years I have met so many fantastic, lovely, wonderful, supportive people. I am honored to be friends with them and love and support them. And now I am open to it, I see potential new friends everywhere I go.

Toxic people stain you, and they scare away the good people. If you clear them out, and are committed to being good yourself, you won’t be lonely, I promise!

Happiness Series: 13 - Happiness Exercise 3: What sort of person do you want to be?

If You Could Be Anyone, Who Would You Be?

What if I told you you could erase all your flaws, all your past mistakes, and design the person you want to be from the ground up? Gender, education, family, friends, hobbies, living situation, job, and all the rest?

What if you could be the sort of person who wears beautiful clothes, goes to brunch with friends on Sunday morning and speaks three different languages? Or maybe you’d prefer to be the sort of person who has an amazing garden, who reads in a hammock, in the shade, while bees and butterflies hum around you. Maybe you’d prefer to be an epic chef, who has dinner parties and cooks legendary breakfasts-in-bed for your gorgeous partner.

We both know, the truth is there are probably some things you can’t have. I am transgender. I am, mentally, a man. I would love to have a man’s body. With HRT and surgery, I will get most of the way there, enough that most people won’t be able to tell I am trans. And that is great. However I’ll never have a functional penis and I’ll never father children the traditional way, not unless there is a sudden and dramatic change in technology.

I’d also love to be healthier, and while I continue to pursue new avenues to improve my health every day through drug and diet trials and research, there is a high chance I won’t ever be 100% healthy.

However the fact that I can go from living as a woman for 30 years, to coming out as a man, the fact that I can go from virtually bed-ridden to how I am now, shows that almost anything is possible.

Maybe you’re sitting there thinking you wish you’d married your highschool sweetheart, but, this isn’t about what you wish you could HAVE, this is about who you wish you COULD BE.


But Who Am I?

If you’re really serious about being the person you want to be, you need to know who that person is. You could just say: ‘I want to be kinder’ or ‘I want to socialize more’ and maybe you would make small changes, but the truth is, they probably wouldn’t have much impact.

The reason is, who you are now, is holding you back from those things. Maybe you think of yourself as an angry person, or an introvert. As long as you hold those beliefs, you’re always going to be fighting against what you believe is your nature when you try and be kind, or go out more. Mentally, you will be telling yourself its hard, because its just not the sort of person you are.

So if you are really going to become the person you want to be, you need to work from the ground up. But that also means you’re going to have to accept something really, really scary.

You are going to have to accept the idea that personality and personality traits, aren’t set in stone. Some, not all, of our personalities, come not from nature, but from learned circumstance.

Lets take being shy as an example. Imagine you are five, and you are introduced to an adult. For some reason, this adult scares you a little. Maybe they are too loud, maybe they stink of the tuna they just ate, maybe they are looking at you in a creepy way. They address you and you, in fear, don’t know what to say or do. Your parent, trying to be polite says: “They’re shy.”

Oh, you think. I’m shy.

Next time you have to talk to someone, but you’re not sure what to say, your brain fills in the blank for you. I can’t think of what to say because I’m shy. Every time you don’t know what to say, that belief is enforced. You start to go out of your way not to introduce yourself to people, because you know you are shy, you will get tongue tied.

Its hard to be outgoing, to be the life of the party, to make new friends, to be a social coordinator, when you are shy. You don’t know what to say, you find it hard to approach people, you feel awkward.

Imagine though, if you always knew what to say. Imagine if you always knew the exact words that would make someone smile, or like you, or back off when they are being an asshole. Imagine if you knew with complete confidence, that every time you opened your mouth, the exact right words would come out.

Would you still be shy? I’m guessing probably not. Which proves being shy isn’t really your problem. Your problem is you don’t know what to say. But knowing what to say is a learned skill, some of us learn it as children, some of us have handicaps like autism that make it a lot harder. But the truth is, its a skill we can learn even as adults.

Take acting classes, join your local toastmasters group, read books on being a better conversationalist, join an ASL class and help people who are learning English. Take the time to actually learn how to make conversation confidently.

Then, you can be the outgoing person, the friendly person, the person who makes everyone feel good. Its not nature, its a skill, and its a skill you can possess if you are willing to put in the time and effort.


To Get There, You Need  A Roadmap

So, how do you go about designing the person you want to be, from the ground up?

You sit down with a computer, or a notepad and pen, and you answer a lot of questions. These questions:

1. List the top five personality traits you wish described you?
2. What education level and degrees do you wish you had?
3. Where do you wish you lived?
4. What career would you have, if you were assured enough money to be comfortable?
5. What gender do you wish you had been born as?
6. What sort of fashion, clique and style do you wish you had/were a part of?
7. What sort of person are you attracted to, honestly? (Gender, personality, looks, hobbies, morals, attitudes, etc)
8. What sort of relationship do you wish you had with god/the spiritual?
9. What relationship do you wish you had with your family?
10. What sort people do you wish you were friends with?
11. How do you wish you spent your spare time?
12. List five things you wish you were really good at?
13. How do you wish other people described you?
14. What do you wish you had done, or kept practicing, ten years ago? (Hobbies, skills, languages, saving money, exercising, etc)
15. Describe your perfect bedroom?
16. Describe your perfect working space?
17. Describe your perfect living space? (Living room, kitchen, dining, recreation, outdoor entertaining)
18. Describe your perfect garage/shed/garden?
19. Describe your perfect holiday?
20. If you had to teach a class for an entire year, what would you want to be teaching?
21. All things being equal, when do you wish you could get up and go to sleep? (Allow eight hours for sleeping.)
22. What sort of romantic relationship do you wish you had?
23. What sort of parent do you wish you were? Do you want kids?
24. If you could be the best in the world at anything at all, what would it be?
25. Describe yourself if you were at your ideal weight, health and fitness level?
26. If you were going to start a charity, and you knew with 100% certainty it would live on long after you died, what would that charity be? Who would it serve and protect?
27. Describe your perfect long weekend, from the moment you wake up, until the moment you go to sleep on the third day?
28. What books, movies, documentaries and TV shows do you wish you had the time to watch or read?
29. If you woke up tomorrow with zero possessions, but for your car, photos and an empty house, but you had a million dollars to replace everything, what would you buy? What /wouldn’t/ you buy?
30. What do you want your obituary to say?

Wow, that’s a long list of questions, but if you go through and answer them all, you will probably learn a lot about yourself. A lot of surprising things, I bet. But now, you have a blueprint of the person you really wish you could be.


What’s the Difference?

So part two of the exercise, is comparing the person you wish you were, to the person you are now. Look at each answer, and ask yourself what you can do to make what you have, into what you wish you had.

Maybe when you got to question 29 you imagined a much more minimalist house. Maybe you have no intention of buying back all the clutter that currently gums up your house. If so, read The Magic Art Of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. Purge your junk. Have the house you wish you had.

Maybe when you got to question 26, you realize you were super passionate about a cause. You might not be able to start your own charity right now, but maybe you can volunteer at another one and spent your free time doing something that matters to you.

Maybe when you got to question 13 you cried, because you want people to describe you as supportive, warm, trustworthy and fun, but really, when you are with your friends, all you do is gossip and complain. But now you can make a change. You can vow never to gossip again and only to complain rarely, and in a constructive way. You can become that supportive listener who makes everyone else happy.


Moving Forward

Gosh, that was a long post. And possibly a very emotional one. I hope you now have a clear vision, even if realizing it is going to mean confronting some painful truths.

Next week, we’re going to delve deeper into some of the questions we looked at today and develop our interpersonal relationships.


Jake, In Summary:

My life the last few weeks has been really hard. I have a terrible upper respiratory infection and I am currently unable to antibiotics. Trying to keep up with my day to day life has a been a challenge, and I haven’t been able to be the type of man I want to be. I particularly miss socializing with my friends, and attending my church (MCC Brisbane).

But it has been a time of great self reflection. I have been working hard on a career plan for next year. So its not all bad. And I have some very special good news to announce in the next few weeks, so stay tuned.

Happiness Series: 12 - Happiness Exercise 2: Limiting and Negative Beliefs

Negative Self Beliefs

You would rather be right than happy. If you need a refresher on this, go back to week three and re-read the post I wrote on the topic. You will always choose to belief information that makes you right, even if being right makes you miserable.

If you believe you are ugly, you will gravitate toward people who treat you like you are ugly. You will ignore the people who tell you you are beautiful and treat you with respect, you might actively avoid them. You would rather be right than happy.

If you believe all men/women are cheaters, you will actively avoid anyone who gives off loyal vibes. You’ll find them unattractive, or boring, or whatever. You’ll seek out the men/women who are clearly going to cheat on you. You’d rather be right than happy.

We all have dozens of negative self beliefs that make us unhappy, because we would rather believe them and be right. We look for proof they are right, over and over, because when we are right, we feel secure. And its better to be secure and miserable, than uncertain and happy. You might not even be able to be uncertain and happy.

So in order to be happy, you have to find those negative self beliefs and change them.


THE EXERCISE:

This exercise is going to be a challenging one. And if you can’t be honest with yourself, you’ll fail. And you’ll continue to be miserable.

Open a word document on your computer, or find a blank page on a notepad, and write down every negative belief you have. This could take a long time. Maybe an hour, maybe a few hours.

You might want to split them up into categories:

What are all the negative beliefs you have about yourself?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about money?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about your parents, siblings and other family?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about work and career?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about dating?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about your relationships?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about friends?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about religions?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about other races and minorities?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about politics?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about the housing market?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about education?
What are all the negative beliefs you have about travel?

Choose categories that are relevant to you and the areas of your life you aren’t happy with. What do you want, but think you can have? Why? As I said, its going to take a while. And its going to be very confronting. You might be shocked at some of the things you write down. You might feel a lot of resistance.


STEP TWO:

Now you have a huge list of negative self beliefs. Just identifying them will help, since now you can see where your ‘mental blocks’ are coming from. However knowing isn’t enough. To be happy, you have to change those beliefs and to change them, you have to find proof they are wrong.

Rank your negative beliefs from least to most harmful. Then choose a belief to tackle. You might want to start small and prove to yourself you can change your mind before you tackle the big ones. Or you might be so outraged by your own beliefs, you want to tackle the biggest one first.

I’ll leave the decision up to you, but whatever you choose, if it isn’t working after a few weeks, change tact and work on a different one.

The next step is to actively find proof you are wrong. Google search, interview people, research, research, research. Ask other people for help looking for information.

EG: if your negative belief is that you are bad with money, learn everything about money management. Commit to reading a finance book every week and listen to finance podcasts. Become a finance expert.

If you want to lose weight, find people who have lost weight and kept it off for a year or more and follow what they did.

If you want to find a partner, 1, meet people, 2, learn about communication (read books, go to acting classes), 3, get a make over and 4, unless they make you feel unsafe, give everyone three chances.

Develop a system to educate yourself and find proof you are wrong. Work through your list until you have a whole new positive system of beliefs.


Moving Forward:

After that rather draining, confronting exercise, next week we will be doing another, though hopefully it will be a bit more fun and leave you feeling enthusiastic. It will be about designing the sort of person you want to be and letting go of the person you have let yourself become.

Hopefully that excites me as much as it does you.


Jake, In Summary

I’ve been doing these negative belief exercises for a fear years and despite my best efforts, some limiting beliefs are hard to let go of, and sometimes new ones form. This is natural and normal, so if you find yourself in this position, don’t fret.

We develop these beliefs because of things that happen to us, things people say. Failure and cruel remarks, even small ones, can be very damaging to us. Particularly if we don’t sit down and address the negative beliefs they have caused.

But now, when I feel resistance, I can sit down and puzzle out what belief is holding me back. I can look for proof that shows me it isn’t true. I find so much proof, I can’t possibly believe it anymore. And then I move on.

I hope you can too, because I’m not writing these blog posts for my sake, I am writing them for you. Because I want you to be happy too.