Managing Chronic Illness: 05 - Socialisation, Time Management & Goal Setting.

The Important and Benefits of Socialisation.

Humans are highly gregarious and social isolation is cruel and damaging. What a shame then, that the most isolated people tend to be those who least deserve it. The elderly and the chronically ill.

Isolation is damaging to your mental and physical health, in contrast, people with strong, healthy community ties, live longer, are happier and are healthier. So, there is a lot of reasons to develop and maintain a healthy social community.

It is difficult when you are chronically ill, but not impossible. The internet means you can connect with others from your bedroom, from your bed. Even while you are on the toilet. I am sure most of us find face to face contact much more rewarding and stimulating. However online bonds can be just as close and deep as face to face ones.

Most of my friendships are maintained almost entirely online. One of my dearest friends, Annie, and I have been talking online for two hours, every day, for over fifteen years now. These days we usually skype—using voice chat while we play a video game together or even watch a movie together.

The Best Socialisation Tools for The Chronically Ill.

You are probably already aware of many of the tools available to the chronically ill. Twitter, facebook, skype, Instagram, tumblr, etc. These are online platforms that allow you to find a community and interact with people within that community.

However sometimes that can still be very isolating. As it seems like everyone else is out doing fantastic things and you aren't. I suggest you focus more on the connection aspects, than the feed aspects. Use these tools to have CONVERSATIONS not to look in on other people's lives.

Most days, I try and find the time to message one or two people to see how they are. Some are too busy to respond, some who are equally isolated will happily chat to me all day.

Time Management and Chronic Illness

Chronically ill people have to be time management experts. If you aren't, life becomes a complete and utter disaster. Its always a balancing act between commitments and spoons (Spoon theory: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory) and when you are going to have the time and energy to get things done. I don't think I have ever met a chronically ill person who can do things spontaneously. There is no such thing as: 'Hey, are you free? Let's grab coffee.' Everything is organised weeks in advance and even then, commitments can be hard to stick to, because illness is always getting in the way.

Usually, for important commitments, you not only need to plan that day, but the days leading up to it in a way that you will have the energy to go out. There are enforced rest days, or at least, days you know you need to stay home and not do anything too exciting, so you are well enough to go out the day after. Then there is the knowledge that you will be useless the following days.

I think most chronically ill people do this out of necessity. However, if you are still fighting it, take my advice and stop. Get a day planner. Schedule in rest days before and after major outings. Let your day planner remember commitments for you. Accept you can only be spontaneous once a year. Its nothing to be ashamed of. People are impressed with highly organised people too, I promise.

How I Manage My Time

There are a lot of ways you can manage your time and you will know what is best for you. I'm not going to suggest my methods are best, or even good, for most people. However, they might give you some ideas to improve the system you already have in place. There are four main elements to my system and they are outlined below:

1. Primary Project

I have one long term goal that is my primary project. This is usually a book I am working on. So, it may be in first draft or editing stage. Rarely, it will be a website or cover art. Usually a primary project will take between a week and three months to complete, so it will be with me for a while. It is always in the most prominent slot in my day planner and I try and do a little bit on it every day, even if it's just one page or 100 words.

2. Secondary Project

Secondary projects are projects that can, ideally, be done in one day and are usually a single part of a larger project, or an ongoing responsibility. For example, planning all my upcoming tweets for the month might be a secondary project. Cleaning out my inboxes. Researching something. Feedback for another writer. These would all be classed as secondary projects. Ideally, after I have done a few hours of work on my primary project, I will also complete a secondary project, so that other areas of my life keep moving forward too.

3. Day planner.

I live and die by my day planner. If something isn't in the day planner, it isn't happening. I only buy day planners with a full day for each day of the week—no shared page for Sunday and Saturday. Every day I put a word, editing and kilometre tally at the bottom, which go up throughout the month. I list my primary and secondary project, then all the things I have to do every day. These include medication, cleaning the house and feeding the pets. I also have a list of things that I contribute a small amount too, such as blogging (200-1000 words a day), reading (a chapter or more), journaling and praying.

Of course, if there are any events or appointments, they get pride of place. I also write in the birthdays of people I am very fond of, so I don't forget them.

4. Habitica

Habitica is an online habit tracking platform. My set up actually has a lot of cross tracking with my day planner. There are three columns in habitica: Habits, Dailies and To Dos.

My dailies section mimics my day planner almost word for word, and I check things off there and on my day planner when they are done each day.

Habits is for things I want to do more of, but don't do every day. Things like gardening, messaging friends to socialise, brushing Charlie, drawing or painting, etc. You can also add habits you want to stop there, and punish yourself when you do them, if you want.

To-Do is where you add one off things that need to be done. Most of my 'Secondary Projects' are listed here. So, when I am choosing what to do for the day, this is my reference list. I prioritise the most important and add that to my day planner for the day.

Habitica also has a rewards column. Since you earn 'gold' for completing tasks, you can list rewards and 'buy' them when you earn enough. I have 'buy a book' for 1000 gold on my reward, which allows me to buy a few books a month on amazon.

You can set up your own habitica account here:

https://habitica.com

Setting Realistic Goals So You Don't Make Yourself Miserable

I am planning a happiness project with will delve into this further, but comparison is the heart of all misery. You are always going to get stressed and upset if you compare what you can do to what healthy people can do. You are always going to feel poor if you compare your house to the houses of billionaires.

When it comes to goal setting when you are chronically ill, you need to be able to classify actions properly. What do you NEED to do every day? EG: Eat, feed pets, take medication, drink, etc. What SHOULD you do every day? EG: Shower, exercise, tidy, etc. What is your biggest long-term goal? How can that goal be broken down into actionable chunks that are realistic for you to do every day.

For example, if your long-term goal is writing a novel, writing most days might be your actionable task. However, if you say you need to do 1000 words, you're more likely to do zero. Because its too hard, so there is no point trying. 100 words is doable. If you make 100 words your every day goal and everything after that a bonus, you're going to get much higher word counts than if you set your goal as 1000 words.

Reward yourself, don't punish yourself.

And don't compare what you can do to what other people are doing.

Next week, we conclude this series chronic illness series with the post: 'Dealing with medical professionals without killing them or yourself.'

Networking

Let’s talk about networking. If you just groaned or felt queasy, this post is for you.

If you hate the idea of networking, then you’re probably wrong about what networking actually means. Maybe you think networking is about being insincere or using people. Maybe you have a mental image of walking into a room of strangers and pushing yourself and your product.

Don’t do that.

No one likes those people, that’s awful.

What is Networking?

Networking is actually quite simple and not intimidating at all. Basically, networking is introducing yourself to people, then being nice to them. Not in a fake way, in a genuine way. Say hello to people, then be nice. If either of those things strike you as overly difficult, you might need to sit down and have a think about why that is.

You’re not aiming to use people, or sell your product. You’re just getting to know people in your industry and giving them a chance to get to know you. It’s different from a friendship, in that you don’t talk about personal issues or come to these people for support when you get dumped. However, you should still be friendly.

What is the goal of networking?

The goal is mutual benefit. Mutual being the key word. Simply having a familiarity with the industry and people in it is usually beneficial in itself. If someone says to me “Do you know Kirstie Olley, she’s the president of vision writers?” I will say: “Yes, I am vice president, Kirstie and I go way back.” Instantly, that shared familiar contact will make the other person feel safer and happier talking to me.

Like it or not, publishing is an industry of people who want to work with people they like. Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. But it does mean the more people like you, the more likely they will want to work with you, or recommend you to other people.

I got my first publishing contract with Harlequin hardly knowing anyone and none of my contacts helped me at all. However, everything since then—publishing contracts, speaking gigs, contract work of other kinds, has all come in through acquaintances and networking.

You don’t need to be friends with everyone, but it really, really helps.

Remember this is a two-way street. It’s up to you to speak highly of your acquaintances, and perhaps share their books, let them guest post when they are doing book tours and share opportunities you hear about and so on.

How do we network successfully?

If you’re shy about approaching people, remember you don’t have to approach everyone. Start small. Approach someone else who looks lonely and intimidated and say: “Hello, my name is Talitha.” And offer your hand. Depending on where you are and what the event is, you might say: ‘Are you here as a reader or a writer?’ or ‘How do you know the host?’. If appropriate, you can just start with a casual compliment: ‘I love those earrings’ or ‘I love your shirt, Wonder Woman is my favourite superhero’.

Only use a compliment if you know how to give one. For example, don’t say: “You’re really pretty.” Or “Wow, you’re the hottest boy/girl/banana here.” That’s not a compliment, that’s hitting on someone and its 99% likely to be annoying and rude.

Assuming you open the conversation with a sane, pleasant introduction, there should be a reasonable and polite conversation that is relevant to the event and the things around you.

However, networking is not about being overly agreeable. One of the key elements of networking is being memorable. That means being polite, but having standards and opinions. Don’t just agree with everyone for the sake of getting along, but don’t argue with someone either.

For example, if you are talking to someone and they say something racist, don’t get into a fight about it. Say something like: “I disagree, pardon me.” And just walk away. You want to show you have integrity and standards, you don’t want to make enemies.

Don’t trash things or people others love either. If someone is raving about something you find annoying, like a TV show, simply say: “Oh, I have friends who like it, but I never really got into it.” This is good, because it says, ‘we can still be friends, even if we don’t both love Gossip Girl.’

And I shouldn’t have to say this, but don’t put people down if they are less experienced than you. Someone just had their first short story published? Celebrate that with them. Buy them a drink, tell them congratulations. They deserve it.

Who should I network with?

You know who we all want to be friends with? Our favourite authors. However, these are not the people to network with. As a general rule, I say network with everyone. You never know who is going to suddenly rise to the top, so don’t dismiss people who are ‘less known’ than you. Firstly, it makes you an asshole and secondly, it’s stupid.

Also, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started talking to someone who looked lost and daggy at a cocktail event or morning tea and found out they are some super important guest speaker. I’ve also make friends with people who are still in uni, only to have them graduate and become acquisitions editors at major publishing houses. People I spent a few years giving feedback to have become massively popular authors.

Your peers are the next round of big names and the big names already have lots of people trying to network with them. They aren’t going to be grateful if you share their new release, but a first-time author will be and they’ll remember you when you’re trying to sell your manuscript.

Most of the people I network with will never be famous authors or big name editors. But even if I could see the future, it wouldn’t change who I talked to, because I genuinely enjoy talking to everyone. I’ve never gone in thinking: ‘I want to make friends with an acquisition editor’. I go in thinking: ‘I want to meet some new people and make a good impression, I want to have a good time with these people’.

The enemy of my enemy…

I don’t love everyone. There are a few people I see regularly at conventions that I politely avoid. I would never bad-mouth them. Bad-mouthing anyone is pretty much social suicide in such a small, friendly community like Australian publishing. And while most people generally like me, I am sure there are a few people who politely avoid me too. That’s fine, I really don’t mind at all. I’m sorry about whatever I did to offend them, but I’m not losing sleep.

Approach networking with the aim of being genuine and having a good time. But remember everyone else should be having a good time too.

Don’t say: “Well, I am who I am and if people don’t like it, they can shove off.” You sound like a child. You’re that kid on the floor in the supermarket screaming because his mother won’t buy chocolate. This is a public space, show some goddamn restraint.

And if you are one of those people who feels like they are being deceptive or worries other people are judging them, you need to let that go. You’re not being deceptive, as long as you are genuine. Other people are networking for the same reason. You’re not a phoney or pretending to be something you’re not. We’re all in the same boat and most of us are bailing out the same water with the same leaking buckets.

Someone might be more experienced than you, but no one is inherently ‘better’ than you because of it.

Final tip:

Oh, and the best networking tip of all? Easily accessible business cards.

Get nice cards printed and keep them in your pocket or the easiest part to get to of your purse. When you are saying goodbye to someone, say: “It was nice talking to you, do you have a business card? Do you want mine?”

This will help you remember who you spoke to and remind you to add them on twitter or facebook later on.

Business cards, never leave home without them, folks.

I hope this has given you a clearer idea of what networking is, why we do it and how to go about it. If you have further questions, please email them to me and I’ll address them in future blog posts. I look forward to networking with you soon!