Surprise! I'm a dude!

Some of you already know this, and to some this will be a surprise. Today, on my 33^rd birthday, I am officially coming out as transgender.

When I was very young, perhaps four, I garnered a lot of mocking when I told my female cousin E, that she couldn't play with my male cousin S and I, because the game was 'only for boys'. S still likes to bring this up, laughing that I thought I was a boy.

I still have to quietly swallow the words: "I am."

I remember asking to wear boy's uniforms at school. Often. Only to be rebuked by the principals. I remember their faint confusion and my resentment. I remember being ordered by teachers to take off the shorts I always wore under the skirts and dresses and viciously refusing, thankfully to be backed up by my mother.

I remember a childhood resistant to dresses, but plenty of sharks, dinosaurs, mud, trees, frogs, creeks and sci fi adventures. I was shorts, t-shirts, short hair and bare feet. And I was blessed to have a mother who just let me be, even though most of the time I was trying very hard to be a dinosaur. Every time I played pretend with my friends, I was a boy. And I was very happy then. I'm sure to a certain friend of the time, Stormy, this announcement is not news.

I remember the aborted attempt to transition when I was 17-18, when everyone knew me as Frankie. I was terrified by the effort I thought it would take to pass and I remember my confusion when my friends at the time mocked me for wearing makeup or skirts. (To those friends, I forgive you, I love you.) I couldn't find a place in either role. Then I finally resigned myself to the feminine. Then I got very fat, because I was depressed.

In the same way closeted queers sometimes pretend their partner is someone else in order to follow through with intimacy, I needed to pretend I was someone else. And a sincere and heartfelt nod to all my exes who went along with that.

I have never been a woman when I dream. I am always male. Ever since I was a child, and still, to this day.

For years, I struggled to look a certain way. I chose Nigella Lawson as my fashion role model and tried to match her hair, her clothes, her figure. And the closer I got, the more I hated myself. I couldn't walk past a mirror without feeling sick. The sight of my own reflection was like medusa or basilisk. A horror fit to turn me to stone. I always expected to see the man I am when I dream, and the person in the mirror always a stranger.

I, very unfairly, pushed my femininity onto the object of my unrequited affections. I told myself if I could be feminine enough they were attracted to me, I would stop hating myself. I punished them for my failure, and I lost a friend who is still owed an apology. You did not deserve a confused man in a dress burdening you with his self-worth, I'm sorry. (You don't owe me shit, but the olive branch is still extended if you want your bro back.)

I met the amazing Miranda Sparks who one day said something like: "You don't have to be out to be trans, if you feel you aren't the gender you were born with, that's enough." One casual facebook post saved me.

It was, stupidly, the first time I realised what my problem might be. I brought a terrible men's wig and a binder and went to Rivers to buy men's clothes. I was so scared someone would challenge me going into the changing rooms I was nauseous. I went to my first trans meet up and told other friends it was a cosplay group.

Most of you have seen my hair slowly getting shorter. Some of you know I donated most of my femme clothes and have been rebuilding my wardrobe with new style icons (Kelly Turnbull and G-Dragon, if you must know).

A few of you even know my preferred pronouns are masculine. But now I am making it official. Dude, guy, bro, he, him, his, dad, uncle, nephew, Mr, prince, king, boyfriend, brother, son.

I am not going to insist you use my correct pronouns if you don't want to. You can be an ass if you like, just don't expect me to use your correct pronouns either.

I'm also not going to be mad if you get it wrong accidentally. 33 years is a long habit to break for me too.

For those of you who are wondering what to call me now, since Talitha literally means 'little girl', a lot of friends already call me Tag. Family calls me Tee or TJ already, and I am leaning toward 'Jake' as a full time masculine name, since that is what people tend to call me in dreams.

Also, I know you may have some questions about what comes next for me, transition wise, but in most cases the answer is: "Unless I intend to sleep with you, it's none of your fucking business." And pro tip, I don't intend to sleep with you.

If you are a man and you are wondering if being attracted to me makes you gay, the answer is no, you might be a little bit bi—however I'm not into you anyway, so you can get on with your life. Same goes for lesbians.

If you are going to tell me it’s a shame, or that I look better as a woman, just unfriend me now. I'll see you again when I piss on your grave after your funeral with my giant, manly dick.

That said, everyone so far has been fantastic. I have had nothing but support from my friends and family so far. A special shout out to Alanna, James, Miranda and Meg for giving me extra support when I needed it and the confidence to keep moving forward with this process.

Also, I'm 33 today. ONLY NOW ITS WORSE BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY INSTEAD OF A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

(If you're not sure how to react right now, please read my earlier blog post on how to react when someone you love comes out as transgender.)

How to react when your friend or loved one comes out as transgender: A PSA

On behalf of all my trans friends, and the global trans community, I am making a PSA on how to react when your friend or loved one comes out as transgender. Because I have heard stories, and it's clear ya'll cisgender have no clue what you're doing.

There is a world if difference between how cisgender and transgender people react to the news that someone is coming out as trans.

Transgender people say stuff like:

"That's so exciting!"

"Congratulations!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"Oh my god, finally. Kidding, that's awesome!"

Cisgender people say stuff like:

"I'm so proud of you."

"I accept you."

"I support you."

"That's okay."

"I still love you."

"You're still the same person to me."

Now, its clear that cisgender people 1) mean well and 2) are surprised. However, these responses are a bit grim. Despite their intended positivity, they reek of negative overtones. Mostly because they are statements that SHOULD be a given.

If you say you support someone who is trans, it implies there was a chance you wouldn't. If you say you still love someone who is trans, it implies there was a chance you wouldn't. And, quite frankly, if there was a chance you weren't going to love said trans person after they had come out, they probably wouldn't have come out to you at all. They would have held you a 'fuck off' party, with banners telling you where to shove your opinion.

'I'm so proud of you' is, well, its as patronising as shit. Same with 'That's okay." Trust me, no one was asking your permission.

'You're the same person to me' is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, its saying 'I'm not going to be a raging sexist and treat you differently'. And on the other, your trans friend is thinking: "But you're going to use my correct pronouns, right? Cause I'm not afraid to slap you."

When someone is coming out as trans, they are not asking your permission or looking for praise. They may not even want your support. Primarily, they are telling you for one specific reason: So you can address them by the correct gender pronouns in the future.

Coming out as transgender is exactly like winning the lottery. It’s the best thing that has EVER happened. Its freeing, it's exciting, it’s a bone-deep relief. However, there is also a niggling fear that everyone is going to turn on you and demand money, that this lottery win is going to turn into a fight and reduce any previous harmony into a squabbling mess.

Treat someone refusing to use someone else's correct pronouns like someone who is refusing to deal with people unless they give them money. Imagine if you won the lottery and suddenly your friends and family refused to talk to you unless you paid them? Yeah. Exactly. If you see someone else refusing to use correct pronouns, treat them with the same distain. Tell them its not cool, its petty and cowardly and lazy and they need to grow the fuck up.

It doesn't matter if you don't believe in playing the lotto. Just don't play. It doesn't entitle you to other people's money. Likewise, you aren't entitled to have an opinion on other people's gender. If you can't use correct pronouns, its reasonable for them to cut you out of your life, because you are being a complete sociopath.

So, assuming you aren't an asshole, you might be wondering how you SHOULD react. Take all your direction from trans people. This is exciting, it is a joyful thing to be celebrated. (Also, try for ten damn seconds not to make it about you and your feelings.) Practise the following:

"That's so exciting!"

"Congratulations!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"Oh my god, finally. Kidding, that's awesome!"

Next, of course, come the questions. You are going to have questions and that is natural. Some are okay, and some are not okay. DO NOT ask about surgery, its none of your business. If you are close to someone, you might be able to ask IF they are going to start hormones, you may not ask WHEN, since thy may not plan, or be able to, take any.

You can ask when someone realised they were trans, however it does sound like you're about to start a debate, so tread carefully and don't be surprised if you see wariness. It might be worth asking their pronouns, as if they are gender queer, they may be using alternatives to he/she.

Also, its not your transgender friend's job to educate you on all things trans. You have a phone or a laptop. Google that shit.

So, what can you talk about? Well, I've yet to meet a transgender person who doesn't like talking about their new clothes. Transgender girls might be excited to talk about makeup with you if you are also a girl. It might be nice for you to offer to take them shopping, or to do things that are gender coded (eg: girls sleep over, coming over to watch 'the game' with the boys).

The biggest, kindest, most important thing you must do is think before you speak. Using your friend's correct gender will become second nature eventually, but for a little while its going to be like a chipped tooth: weird and frustrating.

Also, when you get it wrong, just say: "Sorry, I mean X." and continue. Don't make a big fuss. Don't apologise profusely. Don't make excuses. You made a small mistake, you corrected it. Move on. Please do the same if you are corrected by someone. Say: "Sorry, yes, X." and continue talking as normal.

So, there it is, people. Your guide to other people coming out trans. You have no excuse not to get this right from here on out.

Honestly, the most important thing to remember is that your friend is happier now. They were suffering before, in silence and solitude, and now they are beginning to strip that pain away. Treat it as the good news it is.