Harmful Self Perception

I want to tell you three stories about perspective. Because often we choose the perspective that makes us the unhappiest. We go looking for unhappiness like pigs seeking truffles and I want to talk about why.

So first, the three stories:

Story 1

When I was seventeen, I saw a really cute guy on crutches. He was about my age and had really sexy messy blonde hair and freckles. I kept watching him, hoping he would look my way and I could smile at him, which he did. However, when he caught me looking he scowled, hurt and furious. It was only when I saw how savagely he reacted, and how close to tears he looked, I realised he was on crutches because he'd had a leg amputated. Fairly recently, judging by the bandages.

I wanted to go over and explain, but he was with friends and I was with my mother. However, I still think about that guy who felt self-conscious and assumed I was staring for the complete wrong reason.

Story 2

I was doing a dance performance in Brisbane with a Bollywood dance class. One of the girls was wearing a neon pink outfit. It really was blinding. Pretty, but very bright. I didn't know the way to where we were preforming and the girl in pink assured me she did. I said that was good, because she would be easy to find in a crowd.

She flinched, and looked completely broken-hearted. I was baffled.

"Because I am so tall," she said softly.

"No," I said. "Because that outfit can be seen from space."

Story 3

Between 2008 and 2010 I lost twenty kilograms and I have kept it off. I was talking to a friend about it and she said something like: 'You're not really qualified to talk about losing a lot of weight though.' I was hurt and furious, thinking she was implying I was still too fat to talk about being thin. When I complained to another friend about the comment the next day, they suggested from the context that perhaps my other friend had been trying to say that even at my heaviest, I wasn't that overweight. It had been a compliment not an insult, and I had walked away angry.

Instinct Is Powerful, But Sometimes Wrong

We are all instinctively defensive. The person who insults you is not likely to protect you from the sabretooth tiger and humans are a highly gregarious species. We are very tuned in to communication. However, it is more beneficial to be aware of hostility than love, from a survival perspective. Mistaking love for hostility probably won't kill you, mistaking hostility for love could be fatal in thousands of ways.

Sometimes, people who genuinely mean well are being misunderstood to our detriment because of this. Please note, I am not talking about 'tough love' here. Calling someone a loser because you want them to try harder is not a 'misunderstanding'. Its hurtful, lazy and its been proven time and time again that it doesn't work. You're not doing it because you love them, you're doing it because you want them to change, but you're too lazy to be constructively supportive.

But I am talking about always assuming the worst. Language and body language are nuanced and sometimes we leap to assumptions based on our feelings and insecurities. Imagine if, without any doubt, you knew all those times you had caught someone staring and felt fat or ugly, that it was really because they were attracted to you? How much would your life change if you found out the negative attention you received was actually positive?

I'm not saying it all is. If some creepy guy is leering at you, he's probably a creepy guy. But the woman who seems to be looking at you disapprovingly may really love your handbag and have bitchy resting face.

Realistically, how often are you staring at someone because you think they look awful? Maybe it’s a lot. Maybe you're an asshole. How often do you stare at people because you love their clothes or hair or think they are beautiful? Being stared at is often uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean its hostile or judgemental.

Likewise, what seems like a comment about your deepest insecurity might not be. My beautiful dancing friend thought I was talking about her height because she felt insecure about it. I'd never really noticed because, well, I am short. Everyone is taller than me. How much taller is just semantics.

You Don't See What Other People See

Whatever you are most insecure about could be invisible to the people around you. I have a huge insecurity about my physical appearance (nothing to do with gender). I feel like it is the most obvious, glaring, unavoidable flaw whenever people look at me. No one has ever mentioned it to me though. No one has ever commented on it.

Am I too intimidating to insult, or am I the only one who sees it? We'll probably never know, because I am unlikely to ever admit what it is.

But if you look at me and don't instantly know what I am talking about, maybe, just maybe, whatever flaw you think other people can't look away from is invisible to most people too.

Small changes in perspective and belief can make a big difference to our happiness.

And happiness is what I want to talk about going forward. I know this is a pretty big deviation from my usual writing and chronic illness topics, but for the next ten or so weeks, I am launching a happiness project.

Jake's Happiness Project

My aim is to write a practical, reasonable approach to being happier. One that is appropriate for millennials and Gen Y. One that says 'fuck off' to the law of attraction, positive thinking and any 'happiness' technique that punishes you for not 'thinking correctly'.

This will partially be a recording of my own personal efforts and journey, but I hope—as I always do—that my blog posts on the matter will be helpful to the rest of you as well, because I love you people. <3

Author Voice VS Character Voice

Sometimes people write such awful, villainous characters and people ask: ‘Is the author secretly a horrible monster to be able to come up with this stuff?’ George RR Martin and Karin Slaughter come to mind on my own bookshelf.

Other times, authors try and tackle delicate, depressing, violent or otherwise disgusting topics and just end up coming across like they are in favour of it. Instead of readers being awed by the villain, they’re just disgusted with the author.

So today, I want to talk about the character’s voice, VS the author’s voice. In the hope that you can avoid this particularly treacherous pitfall.

There is, hopefully, a difference between the beliefs and ideals of your characters and yourself, as the author. If all your characters believe what you believe—including your villains—you would struggle to have any conflict and it would, overall, be a very boring story.

However, if you are trying to write a racist character, how do you do it well without coming across, as, well, racist?

I just read this line in a story:

‘They had two of the most gorgeous children you will ever meet; a blonde haired, blue eyed dream of a girl and her strikingly handsome ten-year-old brother.’

Its narrative, not dialogue. So, its information from the author to the reader. Has the author ever met ten year olds? Do they really think ‘strikingly handsome’ is applicable to a ten-year-old? I’m not sure about you, but it makes me deeply uncomfortable, as I suspect I have just read a story written by a paedophile.

Creepiness factor aside, this issue has come up before in my writing group, where material comes across as racist, sexist or otherwise offensive and the author becomes incensed, saying ‘It’s not me, it’s the character!’

However, there is a huge difference between information we are given by the author and the character’s point of view, thoughts and feelings. If you want to make a character racist, sexist or controversial in some way, you want to make damn sure you know the difference.

Let’s take the above example. How would I take the same information and make it not weirdly sexualising of a child? Easily. Take out the sexualising words.

EG: ‘They had two of the most adorable children you will ever meet; a blonde haired, blue eyed angel of a girl and her cutely freckled ten-year-old brother.’

Okay, that’s much more comfortable. But what if we wanted the reader to be uncomfortable? What if the POV character is a paedophile and we want to show that without sounding like a paedophile ourselves? We looked for a deeper POV.

EG: ‘He gripped the chain link fence, watching the children swing higher and higher in the playground. She was the most beautiful little girl he’d ever seen, with her lithe, pale legs and short pink skirt. As the swing, peaked he’d catch a glimpse of blue panties.’

I feel dirty writing that, but you get the idea. However, if I strip out the POV elements, it’s even worse:

EG: ‘She was the most beautiful little girl, with lithe, pale legs and a short pink skirt. As she swung on the swing, you could catch a glimpse of her blue panties.’

Hopefully, you see the difference. Generally speaking, deeper character POV is better anyway, as it fosters a deeper connection between the reader and the character. If you are writing a villain like this, the deeper POV will make the reader much more uncomfortable, which is the goal.

Let’s look at another example:

EG: ‘Unable to fight, the women were all in the basement, where they would be safe.’

This is sexist, because it is implying the women are in the basement because they are unable to fight. What you need to do, is show the women are in the basement because whoever is in charge believes they are unable to fight.

EG: ‘Amid protests, Captain Greggory sent the women and children to the basement, claiming they would be safe there.’

Everyone is going to make a mistake like this eventually. Even my sweetest, most tolerant friends, and my fiercest social justice friends, have tripped up and misworded something in an unflattering way. If someone says, ‘this is racist/sexist/offensive’, don’t argue and explain why it’s supposed to be. Check the attribution, assign it properly.

Remember, give someone ownership of your offensive beliefs, if you don’t, to the reader, they’re YOURS.