Jake Talks About Lists Again

Obsessive Compulsive Meets Organisation

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a deep and unhealthy passion for lists. List are life. Lists are love. People also know I am painfully organised. My house is tidy, my days are ordered. And as a result, I am very productive.

This blog post is going to be an insight into how I organise my life and, there are no surprises, its mostly lists. Lists make me happy. They make me content. And I find crossing things off lists to be very enjoyable indeed.

This post is not a suggestion for how you should organise your life. Rather, its just an entertaining insight into me and my system. In fact, I suspect my system wouldn’t suit anyone else, and if it was forced onto someone, they would probably go crazy.

Still, maybe something here will inspire you, or solve a problem you have been grappling with. At the very least, it will give you an entertaining peep into my brain.

Journal

My journal is for my thoughts, my memories and my feelings. It is an exercise in mental health. I put down the good and the bad here, both so I can let it go, and so I can process and analyse what is happening in my life. It helps me make plans, analyse my problems and explore my feelings. I have had dozens of epiphanies writing in my journal. I would say putting myself on paper has changed the course of my life for the better.

I go through a lot of these. On average, one hardback, lined journal every two months. That's about six a year. I do a lot of thinking. And a lot of talking to myself! Some days, I can write 10-15 pages, though the average is closer to 3 pages. That's not to say I journal every single day, but I do make the time a few days a week.

If you are stressed, feeling lost, feeling frustrated, unhappy with your life, or just trying to step your life up to the next level, I strongly recommend journaling. Getting all your thoughts down on paper makes a huge difference. I don't see any point in imposing any rules on yourself. I will say, my favourite time to write is early on rainy mornings, either out on my back deck or in bed—depending on how windy it is.

Either way, even when I am stressed, journaling is a relief, if not a joy. It’s a way of letting go and taking time to get to know myself. It’s the one time I can be 100% honest, knowing I can't be judged. And that is a rare pleasure indeed.

Day Planner

This is for my practical, every day 'to do' list. It keeps my house running, and makes sure I get to appointments and pay bills on time. It is a tool and the workhorse of my productivity. There is nothing poetic or creative about it.

Everything else on this list makes me feel good, or makes me more productive, or cares for my mental health. However, my day planner is vital. Without it, my life would be in complete shambles. Because when I am very ill, I can't remember anything, and because my day planner tracks my medication and if my pets have been fed, my day planner may actually actively keep me and my pets alive.

I actually don't know how people function without a day planner. I can't even imagine it.

What is really important to me, is that my day planner has a full page for every day. Its very frustrating for me when Saturday and Sunday are sharing a page, since my weekends aren't less busy than my week days. When choosing a day planner, think about how your week is structured and spend the time hunting for a planner than suits you. You might even find a digital planner suits you better, but I will stick to my physical book and pens.

Bujo

My bujo is part goals, part inspiration, part monthly plan. I don’t bujo exactly the same as other people—though anyone who insists on bujo 'rules' is just a killjoy. My Bujo is a gorgeous Paperblank hardcover notebook with blank pages. I keep it yearly, so each bujo covers a whole year of my life. It is used to track my yearly goals and projects, which are then further broken down into monthly sections. I include a lot of lists and checklists. Including, but not limited to, places to visit, saving and finance, books I have read, books I want to write, blog post planning, weight and fitness tracking, birthdays of friends and family, wish lists, planting and harvesting guides for my garden, career goals and milestones, & personal goals and milestones.

My bujo is also decorated with stickers, washi tape and hand drawn art. Its not just about tracking, its about inspiring, so its important to me that it looks good. Working on it is a great joy for me, an artistic process and something I do when I want to relax and do something creative.

Bujo is a fantastic hobby for people who love lists and art. Just keep in mind it should be enjoyable. Too many people I see put pressure on themselves to make it 'perfect', or they put such high expectations on themselves that they fall behind in bujo maintenance then are too despondent to catch up again.

I started working on my 2019 bujo in August, planning out the pages I wanted and then the order I wanted them in. I pencilled in the title and page numbers very lightly and over October/November/December I will do the penning and taping for many of the pages—since I am going to be very busy with a baby early in the year, I am hoping to get at least six months prepared in advance.

Often, I will set up pages at the start of the year, then only decorate them as the year progresses. Even if I have finished with them. That's okay too. Bujos are about function and enjoyment. Its not an art competition.

Prayer Book

Every day, instead of praying out loud, I write in my prayer book. These prayers are usually in the form of giving thanks, asking for guidance and asking for God to act on behalf of the people around me who may be struggling.

If you aren't religious, the equivalent would be a gratitude journal, with letters to loved ones.

Personally, my prayer book has a hugely positive impact on my mental health. It teaches me to stop trying to control everything in my life and not obsess quite so much. Its also nice to look back through the pages and see how many of my prayers were answered, and how many things I was worried about that turned out okay.

Obviously, for me, as a Christian, it is a deeply personal connection with my faith. Its not really something I would recommend for others, unless the idea brings you joy and excitement. Its not going to make you more organised, either way!

Business and Writing Plan

This is my only digital file. I keep it in scrivener and it is broken into several parts.

Website

Social Media & Promotion

Novel Length Projects

Shorts and Novella Length Projects

Vision Writers

Non-Career Items

These are straight up lists of things I need to do, broken down into manageable/practical steps that can be added, one at a time, to my day planner.

In the Writing Plan, a novel might look something like this:

TITLE – First Draft

TITLE – Second Draft

TITLE – Feedback and Beta Readers

TITLE – Third Draft

TITLE – Synopsis and Query

TITLE – Submit to Agents

In my day planner, I might put 'Title – First Draft' down a my primary goal for several months, while I write it. But once it is done, it gets crossed off in the Writing Plan and the next day, the primary item in my day planner is 'Title – Second Draft'. And plodding along in that manner keeps me productive and on track.

In each section, Website, Vision, Novels, etc, everything is listed in the order I want to complete them. So, I always know that, in each section, I work from top to bottom to achieve my goals. There is, however, a LOT of things in this file. Probably enough work for at least the next five years, if not the next ten. And that's okay. Its fantastic to have a clear idea of where I am going.

None of it is set in stone, I can review and change it whenever I like. Things get moved around a lot—just not in mid project. Once I start, I commit to finishing.

Conclusion

There you go! Insight into the way I track and organise my life. Inspiring? Terrifying? You tell me. The important thing is, I have a system that works with my life. Whatever you do, you need the same.

And stay tuned, the newsletter, synopsis series and new website is coming! I promise.

Happiness Series: 1 - Introduction

Welcome to my happiness series! Seventeen blog posts on how to be happier, which will also chronicle my own journey toward not feeling so much like a human trash fire.

The series will consist of 17 posts, which will be broken down in the following format:

1 - Introduction and crisis advice (this post)
2-5 - Psychology, behavior and what makes us unhappy
6-10 - How to be happier
11-16 - Exercises to help us learn who we are and what we need
17 - Wrap up and summary


What To Do If You Are In Crisis

This blog series is not designed to treat or cure depression. It might help, but it also might have no impact at all, because depression is an illness like diabetes: a physiological imbalance of chemicals in the body. Also, if I had a genuine cure for depression, I would be a lot richer.

If at any point, now, or in the next 17 weeks, you are in crisis, these are the steps you should take. Firstly, if you are suicidal, tell someone who can help you. By that, I mean someone who has your address and phone number.

If you are in Australia, you can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or chat to someone on their website: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Most of you will have seen the R U OK list (http://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay-questions-to) written by Sinope. Its great and I recommend everyone have a look at it.

As great as it is, it didn’t work for me personally, so I wrote my own for me to refer to when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed. To me, it feels a bit more grounded and practical, so I am including it here in case any of you feel the same:

Steps To Take When You Are Overwhelmed:

1. Have a glass of water.
2. Have you eaten a meal in the past 4 hours? Eat.
3. Do you need medication? Take it.
4. Have you showered and cleaned your teeth today? Do it.
5. Are you wearing clean, comfortable clothes? Get changed.
6. Are your pets/children fed/watered/clean? Attend to them.
7. Are there any bad smells or loud noises near you? Remove them.
8. Are you a comfortable temperature? Address accordingly.
9. Can heat/cold packs help? Get up and fetch them.
10. Make a list of all the major things bothering you. (EG: Bills, pain, personal conflicts)
11. Add sub categories. (EG: List the bills that need paying.)
12. Under each sub category, list the steps that need to be taken to resolve that issue and any obstacles.
13. Compliment or thank someone, online or in person.
14. Exercise or stretch.
15. Put on music or white noise and sit or lie still for ten whole minutes.
16. Do one small productive thing. (EG: Put a load of dishes in.)


Definition of Happiness

However, as I have said, this series is not about treating depression, its about being happier. And in order to do that, we need to define what happiness is.

To borrow from Paul Dolan’s ‘Happiness By Design’, a good definition is: Happiness is a mixture of pleasure and purpose over time.

He says there are actions that bring us pleasure, actions that give us purpose, and actions that do both. However if we only focus on one or the other, we will not, overall, be very happy people.

Take for example, playing video games. This is generally an activity with a lot of pleasure, but very little purpose. Or perhaps, writing an assignment for our university class, not a lot of pleasure, but a lot of purpose. There may be other activities, such as playing with our children, or walking our dog, which come with a dual dose of both pleasure and purpose.

I am not suggesting we should limit ourselves to activities that give us pleasure and purpose. It would probably be impossible to live that way. I am just saying there has to be a balance of pleasure and purpose on our lives for us to experience happiness.

So moving forward in this series, that is the definition of happiness I will be using. Happiness = Pleasure + Purpose, over time. And we will assume that we need things in our life that both give us purpose and give us pleasure, in order to be happy.


Moving Forward

We will be looking at things that make us happy in weeks 6 - 10. However before that, for the next four weeks, we are going to look at the barriers we have in our lives that stop us from being happy.

So buckle up, because the next three weeks are going to be the hardest. Its time to confront the most difficult demon of all: What makes the human mind tick.


Jake, In Summary:

So, where am I in this journey? Honestly, I am not very happy these days. Financial issues mean that in the next six months I am going to have to move away from my friends, family and all the medical professionals I rely on to keep me healthy.

My writing career is struggling and the death of a very important person in my life over New Years still has been reeling. I am juggling a lot of very big complicated things in my life, including trying to get my career back on track, moving and the complications that will arise from that, trying to start a family and deciding who I want to be now I am Jake instead of Talitha.

Sometimes it seems like I can’t possibly move forward and keep all these plates spinning, so right now I feel like I am standing still, too afraid and too tired to move forward.  Its not a very nice place to be.

But there can be no going back, only forward. So take my hand, and lets go.

Harmful Self Perception

I want to tell you three stories about perspective. Because often we choose the perspective that makes us the unhappiest. We go looking for unhappiness like pigs seeking truffles and I want to talk about why.

So first, the three stories:

Story 1

When I was seventeen, I saw a really cute guy on crutches. He was about my age and had really sexy messy blonde hair and freckles. I kept watching him, hoping he would look my way and I could smile at him, which he did. However, when he caught me looking he scowled, hurt and furious. It was only when I saw how savagely he reacted, and how close to tears he looked, I realised he was on crutches because he'd had a leg amputated. Fairly recently, judging by the bandages.

I wanted to go over and explain, but he was with friends and I was with my mother. However, I still think about that guy who felt self-conscious and assumed I was staring for the complete wrong reason.

Story 2

I was doing a dance performance in Brisbane with a Bollywood dance class. One of the girls was wearing a neon pink outfit. It really was blinding. Pretty, but very bright. I didn't know the way to where we were preforming and the girl in pink assured me she did. I said that was good, because she would be easy to find in a crowd.

She flinched, and looked completely broken-hearted. I was baffled.

"Because I am so tall," she said softly.

"No," I said. "Because that outfit can be seen from space."

Story 3

Between 2008 and 2010 I lost twenty kilograms and I have kept it off. I was talking to a friend about it and she said something like: 'You're not really qualified to talk about losing a lot of weight though.' I was hurt and furious, thinking she was implying I was still too fat to talk about being thin. When I complained to another friend about the comment the next day, they suggested from the context that perhaps my other friend had been trying to say that even at my heaviest, I wasn't that overweight. It had been a compliment not an insult, and I had walked away angry.

Instinct Is Powerful, But Sometimes Wrong

We are all instinctively defensive. The person who insults you is not likely to protect you from the sabretooth tiger and humans are a highly gregarious species. We are very tuned in to communication. However, it is more beneficial to be aware of hostility than love, from a survival perspective. Mistaking love for hostility probably won't kill you, mistaking hostility for love could be fatal in thousands of ways.

Sometimes, people who genuinely mean well are being misunderstood to our detriment because of this. Please note, I am not talking about 'tough love' here. Calling someone a loser because you want them to try harder is not a 'misunderstanding'. Its hurtful, lazy and its been proven time and time again that it doesn't work. You're not doing it because you love them, you're doing it because you want them to change, but you're too lazy to be constructively supportive.

But I am talking about always assuming the worst. Language and body language are nuanced and sometimes we leap to assumptions based on our feelings and insecurities. Imagine if, without any doubt, you knew all those times you had caught someone staring and felt fat or ugly, that it was really because they were attracted to you? How much would your life change if you found out the negative attention you received was actually positive?

I'm not saying it all is. If some creepy guy is leering at you, he's probably a creepy guy. But the woman who seems to be looking at you disapprovingly may really love your handbag and have bitchy resting face.

Realistically, how often are you staring at someone because you think they look awful? Maybe it’s a lot. Maybe you're an asshole. How often do you stare at people because you love their clothes or hair or think they are beautiful? Being stared at is often uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean its hostile or judgemental.

Likewise, what seems like a comment about your deepest insecurity might not be. My beautiful dancing friend thought I was talking about her height because she felt insecure about it. I'd never really noticed because, well, I am short. Everyone is taller than me. How much taller is just semantics.

You Don't See What Other People See

Whatever you are most insecure about could be invisible to the people around you. I have a huge insecurity about my physical appearance (nothing to do with gender). I feel like it is the most obvious, glaring, unavoidable flaw whenever people look at me. No one has ever mentioned it to me though. No one has ever commented on it.

Am I too intimidating to insult, or am I the only one who sees it? We'll probably never know, because I am unlikely to ever admit what it is.

But if you look at me and don't instantly know what I am talking about, maybe, just maybe, whatever flaw you think other people can't look away from is invisible to most people too.

Small changes in perspective and belief can make a big difference to our happiness.

And happiness is what I want to talk about going forward. I know this is a pretty big deviation from my usual writing and chronic illness topics, but for the next ten or so weeks, I am launching a happiness project.

Jake's Happiness Project

My aim is to write a practical, reasonable approach to being happier. One that is appropriate for millennials and Gen Y. One that says 'fuck off' to the law of attraction, positive thinking and any 'happiness' technique that punishes you for not 'thinking correctly'.

This will partially be a recording of my own personal efforts and journey, but I hope—as I always do—that my blog posts on the matter will be helpful to the rest of you as well, because I love you people. <3